The guys in my life.

Here is a little update on the guys in my life.

Josh and I have been hanging out together again on a regular basis with the occasional sex here and there. He has almost become a fixture in my life every weekend. I like it but it feels off somehow..he is a little needy. I had to tell him to tone down the hugging..it's getting on my nerves and he gets a little too close at times when not appropriate. The other morning..my wife even jokingly asked if Josh and I were sleeping together. It's something she jokes about with everyone, so I knew she wasn't being serious. I just laughed it off and said, "actually honey we are and he's amazing"..I kissed her, winked and told her I was kidding, giving her my 'get away with everything' smile..as she calls it. It kinda felt good to tell the truth in a way, but then it felt kinda crazy to do that. Oh well..

I am still doing my daily lunches with Ryan. With a couple of those being at his house every week where we can get close without worry. It's been fun with him. I think we know every dirty detail about each other. He is becoming a very good friend and person I can really trust.

William has been scarce the past month. He was on vacation for a few weeks visiting family and now he has classes ending so we haven't seen too much of each other. We did go out for drinks and talk a couple weeks ago but nothing else since Halloween. He insists that we will see a lot more of each other as soon as the semester ends. Looking forward to that.

Then there is Daniel..the grocery store guy. I have not done anything but flirt with him as much as I can. I have been going there to get coffee at the Starbucks in the store and coming up with reasons to talk to him. I don't think anything will come of it though. He is super professional. Damn.

That pretty much sums it all up. Nothing too exciting..so that means I am due for something right? Haha

Jon

He is the son of a family friend who I have known ever since I can remember. Last time I saw him he was about 18..I think. I saw him at a family thing a couple weeks ago and we started chatting and have been in communication since. We have a lot of the same interests..always have..but now there was something different added in our conversations. Slight innuendos on his part, but if he is flirting, he is good because it's so subtle. All I know is that I felt drawn to him like I haven't before. Now I can't stop thinking about him....

I am really becoming overly sexual. I do realize that..but I decided a while ago to stop fighting it and just see where it leads me. My marriage has been rocky..has been for a while. It just seems to have stalled in a way. Almost like we care about each other but we are no longer IN LOVE with each other and we have both taken notice of this. I seriously believe my wife is having her own sexual awakening too. I have noticed an increase in her privacy as far as her not leaving her cell phone around and quickly closing out screens on her computer when I walk in the room. I guess that takes some of the guilt away..not sure..but I realize I am completely ok with it. Weird..I used to be the jealous type.

Ok..that went on a bit of a tangent, but when it's there I have to let it out.

Anyway..Jon and I have been talking periodically over the phone and through email planning a hiking trip for this coming weekend. He seems really excited about it and I definitely am. It will be just him and I. I guess we will see what happens. I do know that I am going to go on an all out flirt frenzy and see if I'm reading him right or not. Hopefully I am.

Bad Blogger

Ok..I am officially a bad blogger. To my defense however, things have been a bit wacky with school, work, home, holiday, vacation and guys..all rolled up in an increasingly competitive time war. Oh well..I am in need of my blog world again and hope to post with more frequency now.

Since it's been a while since my last post, an update is in order. I am still married, still working the same old job and the same old classes and still involved sexually with William, Ryan and Josh. With a brand new prospect in the works. His name is Jon. We met at a family thing around Thanksgiving and the underlying flirting embedded in our conversations..was intense..for me anyway. Kinda was taken by surprise with this one. He is a friend of the family that was just a kid the last time I saw him..now he is a very hot 23 year old that I really need to get to know better..like I need to add more to my life?? haha..but how do you say no to your urges?

...seriously, how do you..because I am at a loss at this point.


I will post with more detail tomorrow. Home life is currently beckoning me with responsibility. I will try and keep sane until then.

Later guys..


--Oh and PS..in response to comments on my last post. This blog is NOT a porn site, so sorry guys..I will not go into any more sexual detail than what is posted unless I find it necessary. Thanks to those who like my blog for what it is..just me spilling my thoughts and stories.

Thoughts on Joshua

I had sex with Josh again last night. Went over to his house after work before his wife got home. He wanted me to be on top and of course I complied. Apparently he has had his fare share of sexual encounters with guys himself. He even told me that he used to date a guy for a while before he was married. Who knew..

This thing with him is interesting. He was the first guy in a long time that I had actually wanted to have sex with back when I had that fun emotional turmoil rolling around in my head. Sex with him felt surreal in a way. I was looking at him while I was doing the act yesterday and felt almost like it wasn't me. When I look at him I remember how I used to feel..all confused and nervous..and now I feel completely different. I felt like I was taking advantage of him for some reason too. Not sure why? He sought me out and now I am just going along for the ride.

Normal and Crazy

Well things have been crazy with work and school and I haven't had as much free time the past few weeks as I would have liked. I had to drop something and it was between my blog or my extra curricular sex life. Guess what I chose..?? Anyway, things are calming down for the moment at least and I wanted to give an update on said sex life. I have the normal and the random to tell about..I'll start with the normal.

Ryan and I are still fooling around when we can. He has found himself a guy on the side too. He admitted that he was a little hurt that I was starting things up with William..but what can I say..how could I not? William and I are getting a lot closer. We went out the Friday before Halloween to get drinks and ended up having sex at his place after. Damn we get along great..I have also been hanging around after class just to talk and get him all sexually worked up. Yeah I am kinda messing with him a little but it's only in fun.

Now for the most random and interesting thing that happened. I got a text from Josh on Friday afternoon asking what I was up too. (see past post on this kid..he's the one that drunkenly came onto me then stopped talking to me) I told him I had to go pick up a few things for a party my wife and I were having and he asked if he could come along. I said sure..since I am not a guy to hold grudges. I haven't talked to him in a while and I've missed him..so I was looking forward to seeing him. We always had that brotherly kind of friendship and I have missed that dynamic between us. Well I picked him up and he looked as good as always..but also looked a little frazzled. He practically blurted out an apology for shutting me out after his drunken come on a few months ago. I just laughed and accepted..on the promise that he would not do it again..he agreed. When we got out of the car he hugged me like he didn't want to let go. Then he told me he needed to tell me something and without looking at me..says that he has always been "really into" me. I asked what we meant and he said he knew what he was doing that night he grabbed my leg. I just started laughing at the reality of it all. I mean come on..is every guy just one step from being gay? ..or am I just attracting them to me? Maybe I just subconsciously pick out the possible candidates to direct my attention too or something..is this the infamous gaydar? I need to pay this more attention. Anyway..he seemed to get a little nervous and went to turn away and I grabbed him and said that I have had a crush on him since the first day I saw him. The look on his face was awesome..I think he showed every emotion at once. I just pulled him over and kissed him. I thought..what the hell..right? We then ended up in my car behind the building giving each other friendly blow jobs. Not what I expected at all when I sent that 'sure' text..but way more fun. Nothing like a couple guys starting up a friendship again..huh?

That now makes guy four. Not that he is just a number..but wow..when did I turn into the married guy having all these affairs?? Goes to show that anything can happen I guess.

I will try and post again tomorrow.

Dry Spell

Hey guys..I've had a busy week with work and school. Nothing really interesting has gone on. Just doin my thing.

I'm meeting up with Paul and his new guy at some point in the next few days. He's told me a little about him..but I'm interested in seeing him for myself.

Nothing new with Ryan or William or at home. I guess this is a dry spell..but that usually means there's a storm brewing. That's how things normally work in my life anyway.

Until then gentlemen (and ladies..if there are any reading)....

Grocery Store Manager

Ok..apparently I'm becoming too comfortable with myself...which can only lead to trouble..

Last night I stopped to pick up a few things at the grocery store near my house and I had another spontaneous "can I do it" moment.

There is this manager there that I have always thought was good looking. He's about my age, fit and looks friendly. There have been moments in the past where I have been in line and glanced his way only to see him looking at me and then glancing away quickly. Now I think I am actually getting familiar with this type of action as the guy being interested..not too hard to figure out..but you never really know. Anyway, he was by himself over at the customer service counter and without really thinking about it I just walked over. He looked up and smiled and I smiled back noticing a lottery ticket sign..so I just said I needed to buy a couple tickets. Realising that I was already second guessing myself..I just took a determined breath and focused on him. When he handed them to me I stuck out my hand and said "Thanks Daniel(glancing at his name tag..actually I knew quite well what his name tag said..just didn't want to look like a stalker), I'm Christian. I see you all the time and thought I would just introduce myself". He smiled and said it was nice to meet me and that he remembers seeing me shopping in the past. Then I said, "Yeah..I just live around the corner". I kept direct eye contact with him a little longer then normal and smiled. Since that seems to be the universal way of saying you're interested without saying anything. He dropped his eyes down and looked at me..as much as he could see from the other side of the counter..and looked back and said that he hoped to see me again soon. With that..I smiled my agreement and said thanks again and walked away. I looked back once and saw that he was watching me. I smiled at him again and left.

Now I am not going to let my ego over inflate..it was really nothing, but the sexual tension was there. I could see it in his eyes and he did this thing where he licked his lips..not in a lude way or anything. It was just subtle and I know straight guys don't stare at each other licking there lips..for a fact I know that. I can get used to doing this kind of shit. Gave me a chubby too..haha

I do have to say that I only attempted since I did catch him looking at me prior so I felt comfortable with it. Still not sure if I could walk up to a random guy and try a pick up..but that is something I want to work up too. Just to see if I can.

Random Music

Modest Mouse - Float On

Haven't posted any music in a while. I heard this the other day and it brought back some good memories. It's a fun song and I wanted to share it...

Ryan and Honesty

Ryan's back from his vacation. Damn I missed that kid. He is so freakin cute. He came in my office with his hair a little longer and messier with those blue eyes all sparkling with excitement when he saw me...it was nice. He said he missed me and was glad to be back. I'm definitely glad he's back. He even brought me this stupid little souvenir for my desk..I just looked at him and said "Really?"..he laughed shrugging his shoulders and left.

We met up for what now is becoming our usual lunches together. I told him about everything that happened while he was gone..even about William. I mean he already knows about Paul so I figure since I can't be completely honest with my wife..at least I can be with Ryan and the other guys I'm close too. He was all excited to hear about the details. I'm glad he wasn't upset..I thought he might have thought we were exclusive or something..even though nothing like that was ever said. He did thank me for telling him and promised to tell me if he gets any other action..with great enthusiasm. haha I told him as long as he's safe and doesn't go getting any random bareback in a dark alley somewhere..we would be good. He's not like that though. He..like me..likes to have close serious "friendships" with guys.

Being able to be honest with these guys has helped me more than I could have hoped. It's healing in a way. I'm realizing how toxic lying is now that I see how it feels when I'm home with my wife. I feel closed up and bitter at home. That sucks. It's necessary for now though. I am still way more positive at home then I used to be..things are happier even with the toxic lies.

Night with William

I had an interesting weekend.

My wife got invited to go with some of her friends on a last minute overnight road trip and the kids went to their grandmas house to spend the night. That left me with an open Saturday and most of Sunday..and I took advantage of the opportunity.

I was over at William's place helping him with his yard on Saturday when my wife called me about her plans and offered to send the kids off so I can have a night out. Not that I didn't have plenty of time away recently..makes me question if she isn't up to something herself. I did ask her "who's the guy?"..she just laughed and said "no guy". Then it occurred to me..wouldn't it be funny if she left me for one of her girlfriends? haha ..but who am I to question her..I was at the time eyeing up a shirtless William and all I could think of was "Fuck Ya..this will work out nice".

As soon as I told William about my free night he immediately canceled dinner plans he had with friends so he could spend the evening with me..awesome right? It was funny..I finished telling him about my open night and he just pulls out his phone and makes the phone call then turns to me and says "I'm all yours..let me take you out somewhere tonight"..I said, "Like a date?"..he smiled and just says "Yeah". It was so fucking sexy I just wanted to drop to my knees and show him how I felt about it. I of course agreed..how do you say no to a young hot sweaty shirtless college professor asking you out??

We finished up with the yard and I went home to clean up and change..having to refuse an offer of a shower with him, but I did say maybe a shower in the morning..for which he gave me a huge smile and said sure. That pretty much set up where the night was going to lead.

He took me to this bar near his house and we ate and talked and got a little toasty. Then we walked back to his place and had a few more drinks. We flirted and got touchy feely all night..then he suggested skinny dipping in his pool. I playfully accused him of just wanting to have sex with me. He says in complete seriousness "of course" and just looks at me. For a second there I actually felt a little hurt...then he starts busting up laughing. There was a little banter back and forth..then he said it did start out that way but now he really likes me and sex wasn't his main goal anymore. With that..I just stood up and began to remove my clothes in front of him while he stared at me open mouthed..once naked..I walked up to him and smiled and put my fingers under his chin to close his mouth and said "I thought we were going to skinny dip" and headed out to the pool. He followed right behind me taking his clothes off as he went. Damn..he looks good naked. Great everything..

We swam around for a while messing with each other and getting each other all worked up. He seemed a little unsure of how to proceed at a certain point..so I just ducked under water and sucked down his dick..he seemed to really like that. haha After a little of that kind of play we then headed into his living room for some great sex. He knew what he was doing and I let him do it.

I slept in his bed with him and we fooled around off and on throughout the night. It was fun. We did have that shower in the morning and I made him breakfast naked..at his mention of not having an extra robe. We spent the morning just hanging out..then I had to head home. He said he had a really good night..I just told him "of course you just got laid by one of your students..and I expect an A". He just laughed shaking his head.. We kissed and he said he wanted to get together again soon. I agreed.

I said before that class will be different now...well NOW class will definitely be different.

This was the first time I was ever with a guy where I felt completely ok with myself and didn't feel like an emotional wreck. It was such a comfortable feeling. I didn't want to leave.



On the other side of things..this now makes guy number three..as far as me in my married life is concerned. I guess I can say that I am an official whore again..?? ..but it's not like I am out sucking random cock like I did what I was younger..I am finding serious "friendships" where I can find understanding with all this internal bullshit. Things are so different now compared to before. I know I will get a divorce within the next few years..that is the plan at this point. I want my kids to get a little older..then it will be time. Right now I have to explore this other side of me and develop these relationships with other guys. Not fighting these feelings and accepting them has really stabilized me mentally. I am also not getting fucked up every night just to numb the turmoil inside..now just drinking in social settings. That's helped me see things clearer.

William

One week later and all is still going smooth.

Ryan has been out of town on vacation with his family..so I have been occupying my spare time with William. We have been talking on the phone and exchanged a few emails. Nothing too exciting..

I did go over to his place yesterday though. Cover story to my wife was me having a study session at school. It's a necessary lie..I don't enjoy lying but I have to have an outlet for this other side of me or I fear I will become an angry asshole again. But anyway....

He has a nice house. Very high end. His place reflected his intelligence..he has traveled around the world and lives in such a worldly environment with things from different countries. It was extremely cool. We talked and he showed me around. It was fun..we got to know each other better. I didn't fool around with him though..too soon with everything recently. He did make a few subtle advances and we got really close and kissed a little. William is definitely different. He is extremely understanding and intelligent..and has a really hot body. I saw him without a shirt while he changed into casual clothes..damn.

I'm going over again this weekend to help him with some work he is doing on his yard. Maybe he will get some action then..haha.

Weekend updates

Things are falling back into a normal pattern with my wife and I and things have been calm. I even went out and did some things with some of my "straight world" friends this weekend..I sort of just dropped all of them after I started hanging out with Ryan. I did see him over the weekend too. He met up with my wife and I and some other friends. He is now becoming absorbed into my everyday life..it feels good having him around though.

I did also talk with William for a while on Friday. He wants to get together again. I suggested after class later this week. I am still very curious about this guy. He gives me a different feel from the other guys I have been into before.

Then Paul..he's starting to see this guy he met. I can't lie and say that I am not jealous..but really..it's not like he is mine or anything. I told him it made me kinda jealous but that I was happy for him to find someone and that he needs to get out there. He's really excited about this guy. I liked seeing him that way. I feel like a brotherly type friendship is forming between us..I like it.

Anyway..just updates on the interesting stuff..

My same old new path

I have decided to stay married and work things out with my wife. It shouldn't be too hard..we work well together for the most part. Besides I don't think I am ready for any drastic life changes yet..since I still don't know what I want for the future.

Right now..my state of mind is not ready to take any leaps into the single world of men. I think I have a few pretty good things going right now with several people I care about. I think I want to just hang on to this way of things for a while longer.

I needed this break from my "normal" life. It gave me a broader view of everything and left me feeling way more positive. I have a brighter outlook on everything and I don't feel I will be that angry husband and father anymore. It's like I had a moment of clarity where I can see everything for what it truly is. I am going to keep my relationship with my wife on a good track and also keep my relationships with my guy friends. Let's see how this goes....

My Kids part 2

I had such a great night with my kids. I picked them up and took them to play miniature golf. It was hilarious. It's something we hadn't done before. I was happy and playful with them..which I am usually..just not this relaxed with it all. I think they sensed the difference too.

Paul met up with us later in the evening and had pizza with us. I wanted to get a feel of how things would be if I was single and with a guy..thought why not. The kids liked him a lot. It wasn't as weird as I thought it would be..but then I feel safe with Paul so that might have been why it felt ok.

The huge bad point with the whole evening was dropping them off. The kids were upset that I wasn't staying..that was really upsetting. Also my wife was all dolled up like she had been out. That pissed me off a little..but really..can I be pissed off at her after the shit I have done? She said she just went to have a few drinks with one of her girlfriends. It still angers me though. I know she was either messing with me or trying to show my what I would be missing. She really did look hot. I actually forgot all about men when I saw her. She was always the only girl that was able to do that to me.

My Kids

First of all I wanted to write and say thanks to all you guys. I have read all your emails and comments and I really am taking all your thoughts and suggestions into consideration. I'm sorry I am not able to respond to each one. I will keep you all updated though.


My wife called a little while ago..making it clear she didn't want to talk yet..but she asked if I wanted to come by and pick up the kids and spend time with them tonight. I haven't seen them since over the weekend. I miss them a lot.

Those kids are definitely worth me keeping my secret. I don't ever want them to hurt because of my own selfishness. However..my thoughts turn to..am I the best father that I can be with all this turmoil inside me..no..I know that for a fact.

Would me being free to be myself be better for my kids in the long run??

That's the big question of my life right now.

Morning Thoughts

I didn't have a drink last night..which is a first in a long time. Paul and I went to see a movie and just got coffee and talked. It was good. It's nice just being with someone I don't have to put up walls with.

Still haven't heard from my wife..but we are supposed to meet up on Thursday for our talk. I am not sure where she stands at this point..I am not really sure were I stand either though.. I love her but so much has happened that I don't know how we would ever return to normal. Just the fact that I have come to have a better understanding about my attractions to men has changed everything.

I fell asleep in Paul's bed last night. We didn't have sex. We were just talking. I woke up in the middle of the night with his arms around me. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck and his smell and warmth were surrounding me. I felt so at peace. I don't ever want to let go of that feeling.

What does that mean for my marriage? Do I love Paul? Yes I love him..but I don't think I am in love with him. I feel the same for my wife. I don't think I have been in love with her in a very long time. Can you get something like that back?? Then there is Ryan..I care about him a great deal. I care for all three of them in different ways.

Damn this is too much.

I'm going to let off the drinking..didn't realize how foggy my head was everyday until I woke up feeling more clear today.


Anyway..these are sort of a jumble of thoughts..but this is what is running through my head this morning.

Taking a break

Ok. Things were not as dire as I expected them to be. Well maybe a little.. I didn't say anything to my wife about my attractions to men..but we did have a long talk about our lives. We decided to take a short break from each other. Everything that happened last week was a final straw for her. She says she still loves me..but that she can't take my mood swings anymore. I can't blame her. I wouldn't want to live with me either. I should have just told her that I agree that we should separate and I have something I need to tell you and let it all out..but I couldn't. I still have kids to think about and I still can't imagine her hating me. I can't even imagine not being married to her.

I am staying at Paul's for right now. Not sure if that's the best decision but it's the only option for now. Told her that he is an old friend that I ran into and he has an extra room and all so it worked out. She wants to meet later in the week..just us and talk.

Paul has been great. He apologized for taking advantage for my drunken state..but he was drunk too..so neither of us is really more responsible then the other. He has been very respectful of the situation and hasn't made any moves..even with us getting trashed yesterday..or I should say me getting trashed.

Oh well. I know this will all work itself out into whatever situation it's meant to. I sent her a text this morning telling her that I love her,,but she never responded. That hurts. I just need to give her the space she needs right now.

It's crazy how everything can change so much in a short period of time. Didn't see this coming.

Fuck.

Well..I don't know what to say. Here I was finding answers and my place and I go and fuck everything up again. I seem to be really good at that.

I was not good the past few days. I let Ryan give me a BJ in the restroom at work yesterday afternoon. He was just so persistent and looked really fucking hot. It was meant to be just me teasing him a little..but it went too far. Oh well.. That's not all though..

The wife and I had a huge fight last night and well..things were broken and things were said..and I left. I stormed out..drove around and ended up calling Paul..

Got shit faced drunk at his place..spilling all my horrible shit out for him to hear. Then I slept with him..like complete hard core sex....then again this morning.

Shit.

How did this happen?

Told my wife that I just ended up driving around..then went over to a friends house to crash.

That's the last lie.

Now I think is a good time for us to have a talk.

How it started..

Ok..I wasn't going to write about these yet, but I started typing and couldn't stop. So here is the first story in the still untitled series of posts about my whoring days.

It all started when I was 17 and about to finish high school. I was fooling around with this guy I had met and, after some discussion about lack of funds on my part, he told me about his job as a "masseuse". I was a little weirded out at first..but after hearing how much he was paid..I was interested. The next day he introduced me to Dave who was the guy in charge and I had my first job that same night. It was a 70/30 split with me starting out getting $100 per hour/per guy and up from there depending on my demand. Sounded reasonable..hell the thought of getting 70 bucks just to have sex was an amazing idea!

I was later given instructions to meet this guy at his hotel room that night. The guy was apparently a regular and excited to get "new meat". haha This made me nervous as fuck..but I was in and not going to look back. What I expected was a disgusting guy who couldn't get laid, staying in a gross hotel room..but turned out not to be the case. The hotel he was staying at was slightly above average and clean. I felt way better after seeing that. He was a fairly standard looking married business man who called upon Dave to provide him with some "company" whenever he was in town..which was often.

He offered me a drink and gave me a robe..asking me to remove my clothes. I just agreed..not knowing what to say. I downed the drink quickly..hoping it would calm my nerves and keep my hands from visibly shaking. He sat on the bed watching me get undressed like a lion watching his prey..a little unnerving..but not unexpected. There was some small talk..nothing memorable. He did ask me my age..which I lied and said 19..but he liked the answer. Next he wanted me to shower with him. I said sure..and I spent the next 20 minutes getting washed up by this guy. It was an interesting experience to say the least. After the shower we went back into the bedroom and I was offered another drink..which I eagerly knocked down..while he proceeded to inhale my cock and work it like a pro. I then returned the favor until his completion. After, we just sat on the bed with him sitting behind me while he slowly rubbed his hands all over me and asking me what all I liked so we can try them next time. All I could think was, "Am I really going to get paid for this?". I started getting excited again and he helped me finish off a second time..for which he was super thrilled about.

After the hour was up..I got dressed and he handed me $100. I had to hold back a laugh..since it still didn't register that I got paid to have sex with him.

It was all very simple..compared to my expectations. It wasn't anything I hadn't done already and I was thinking..this will work out fine. I met up with Dave later and gave him his portion and it was go from there.

That wasn't the last time a met up with that guy..but he was pretty tame compared to some future clients..which I will write more about later.


I can tell it's going to be good for me to unload these stories. I've never spoken about these experiences before..there are good and bad ones. Thankfully more good than bad. I had grown to look at these memories as a negative part of my life..but I will try and put the positive me outlook on them and make this as fun as possible. I need to accept my past, even the regrets, and learn from them as best I can.

Then again who doesn't want to hear about other people sexual experiences right? haha

suggestions please..

I am contemplating on becoming a complete male whore again.

Not sure it would work out in my life right now though...so instead I think I will relive some of my whoring around from the past in a series of posts detailing some of my experiences.

I'm trying to think of something clever to call it..'something' chronicles..is all I can think of.

..any suggestions?

Coffee with the Professor

The professor(William) and I talked for a while the other day and he invited me over to his place so we could get to know each other better. I was tempted..but I decided not to be a complete whore and suggest us first meeting for coffee and getting to know each other better. After all I don't need to add another indiscretion to my increasingly muddled record.

We met up and it turned into us laughing most of the time..especially about my "come on" last week. He called it creatively bold. He said he was surprised and a little embarrassed that I had noticed him looking at me during his lectures. I told him it wasn't that obvious and I just wanted to take a chance and see what would happen..since it isn't something I normally do. Oh and by the way..he is much less nerdy outside of class. He showed up looking kinda hot. Upon seeing him..I wanted to tell him that maybe we should go back to his place after all...but I was a good boy and didn't. If only I didn't have a conscience...

He told me he is gay and has dated a few different men off and on..but not open about his sexuality because of his family. He was engaged for several years to a women but he called it off because he came to the realization that he liked men and couldn't lie about who he was. I wish I could have figured myself out before I got in deep. Oh well..at least I am now right..?

Anyway..it was fun. We seemed to touch each other a lot. I've never been too comfortable with the whole touchy-feely types, but I do like it and he wasn't weird about it so it turned out ok. There were several playful shoulder punches when I referenced him fooling around with male students in exchange for good grades. I wanted to know what kind of action would be required for what grade..

Hand Job = C
Blow Job = B
Bareback Anal = a definite A

He couldn't stop laughing at that one. He insists that he has never handed out his number like he did with me. He was super turned on with the whole thing and was surprised by his own forwardness.

It was very comfortable talking with him. I am liking this new found confidence I am developing. It felt good to not have to edit everything I said. Also, I have never had these types of male relationships before. In the past I would..to a certain extent..just tell a guy what they wanted to hear in order to get down to the nitty gritty sex. The only exception was Paul..but even then..I looked for the sex above everything else. This openness with other guys is interesting. I thought it was just Ryan..but William turns out to be very similar. Easy to talk to and real.

Damn I want to fool around with him....

Class will be very different now.

Ryan and I

Like I wrote last week..my wife went out with some girlfriends and Ryan came over to my place to hang and have some beers. We were both a little awkward at first, but that went away fairly quickly. It was an interesting experience. He really got to see me in my married world..he said he is way more into me now that he saw me with my kids. I think I understand that..but that means he is REALLY into me..I don't know how that will work out just now. I'm not against it though..it is hard not to be close to him.

It was weird how comfortable it all was. We ended up making out for a while on the couch after the kids were in bed. ..oh so bad..I know..but it just happened. Well..I know why it happened. I told him about my history with Paul and he seemed to get a little insecure. ..so me being the one to always please..let us get a little more close then I would have preferred being that we were in my home. He is not pressing the sex issue too much though..other then his usual innuendos..I like that about him. Makes me trust him even more.

I'm a little worried that he is getting too close too fast though..I am trying to balance the relationship but I don't want to push him away. I can kind of feel a Paul repeat happening..instead this time I'm married and not just looking to fuck around. I really don't want anything to mess things up.

How do I keep him as a friend if he seems to want to get closer..? I'm afraid to bring anything up would cause tension.

Advice?

Blending of worlds

My wife is going out tonight so I told her a friend of mine from work(Ryan) might stop by for a few beers. Here goes the blending of my separate worlds..let's see how this will turn out. I think it'll be fine..Ryan's a good guy. I have had plenty of practice with him at "just being buddies" since we work together, but it will still be interesting to see him around in my "normal" life.

Paul would be another thing all together. If you saw us together you would be able to see that there is a connection. It would be hard for either of us to shut that off. It's best that I not bring him around right now.

Oh and this afternoon I did leave a message for the professor to give me a call. We'll see how that goes. I'm sort of obsessed about figuring him out.

That's it for now..just a short update.

Have a great weekend guys!

Me being adventurous..or bad?

Have you ever had a sexual dream about someone you know but never thought of in a sexual way..then couldn't look at them the same again? Just the sight of them made you a little horny..

Well I had one about one of my professors this past weekend and when I was in class a few days ago I got a crazy idea to openly flirt with him and see what happened..bad me huh..couldn't help it though. For one I was feeling dangerous and horny and I really wanted to figure out this gaydar shit since I've been noticing him looking at me more than not while he does his lectures..(probably why I had this dream)..but it started me thinking. Am I noticing an interest? ..or is this nothing but my imagination?

He is maybe 36..descent looking and good body. A little on the nerdy side..but he would only need a little fixing up to make him hot. I figure what could it hurt to see what he would do if I came on to him.. Shit I know..I'm married what am I thinking..but it was too exciting a thought to pass up. I was just going to blatantly come on to him and see how he reacted. What's the harm with a little flirting..right? It's not like we run in the same circles or anything.

After class I waited..fiddling around on my phone until everyone left. I went to his desk and asked him about some project information I "needed"..he started going through some files in his briefcase and desk..but wouldn't really look at me. He seemed nervous..I was thinking..good sign?..I get nervous when I am around a guy I liked.

..so I took a deep breath and took a step closer to him and asked if I can help. He looked at me and the too close proximity and just gave me a questioning look. I just smiled and subtly let my eyes drop down over his body then back up at his eyes again. He stammered something like..no I have it. I was so fucking nervous myself..I thought my heart has going to beat out of my chest. He took a small step back and started explaining some things about the packet he had on the desk. I then stepped forward, regaining the distance and leaned over what he was showing me on the desk letting my arm press against his. I didn't hear anything he was saying..just the "Holy shit! Are you really doing this!" in my head. He stopped talking and looked at me. I just kept a somewhat blank look on my face with an innocent smile and stood there..

Then he says.."What are you doing?" I just looked at him with raised eyebrows and innocently smiled saying "not sure". Shit I was so close to him, I could have just tilted my head a little and kissed him. He makes a comment about me being in his personal space but then proceeds to look me up and down and smile shaking his head. He took a step over and wrote down his personal phone number and handed it to me and said to call him anytime..then says if I had any questions about the class email him. To me meaning his phone number was obviously for non-class related use. He handed me the paperwork and reached out his hand to shake and said he will look forward to my call. Then I left..feeling like a stupid kid and wanting to run and laugh.

That was intense for me. I used to be pretty forceful back in the day..but I usually let others come on to me first. Never have I been the one to initiate anything like that with a guy. I think if I got comfortable picking up guys..uhh..things would get insane with cum flying everywhere..haha.

I'll probably call him just to see what he says..but I don't want to start up anything. It was such a fucking adrenaline rush..I couldn't help but try it.

I really feel this dark cloud that has been hovering over me my entire life is lifting..feels great!

Saw Paul again

Paul and I had an intense conversation yesterday. He told me that I had really effected his life. He never really got close to anyone after me because of how we ended. I feel like shit for treating him the way I did, but I was 17. Is that an excuse..don't know..but I do know my way of thinking was completely different then as compared to how I am now. I was so afraid to admit how I felt about him that I pushed him away in that asshole teenager way. When I think of the things I said to him..I want to crawl into a hole from the embarrassment. I projected my anger about my own feelings on him. At the time..I "wasn't gay"..and he had started to make me feel like I was with the feeling I had for him..and I didn't want to admit that it was more then just having fun. Man..society fucks with people. Why couldn't I want to be with him? I did..but couldn't imagine how my mom and friends would treat me if I were to be gay. That was the only real reason.

Anyway..we hugged it all out and kissed..but it wasn't in a sexual way. It was more like just needing that closeness for closure. It felt good to clear up all that old shit.

It would be nice to bring him and Ryan into my life more. It should be fairly easy. Paul is an old high school friend and Ryan is a co-worker..so it wouldn't be random or anything. Still debating it though. It would be nice to take some of the fake-ness away.

I am meeting up with Ryan after work so we can be ourselves for a little while. Looking forward to that.

Good weekend..more thoughts

I had a great weekend. Ended up mostly doing things with my family. It was good. No jail time..but good. haha Not as exciting as I would have hoped..but fun none the less.

I think my fucked up mental state is passing to a certain degree. Even though I have this secret, I feel that mentally everything is falling into place. My anger and resentment that I have carried around with me my entire life is less and I seem to be able to cope with this shit way better then ever. I am attributing this calming to my blog and other blogs I've been reading. It feels good to know that I am not the only fucker out there with these issues..I finally feel somewhat normal I think. I'm just different..

I'm crossing my fingers that this ability to cope lasts..I'm sure there will be a peak and then a downfall to some degree..like everything else in life. I still have a lot to work out. I have strong feeling for Ryan and Paul and that will not change or just go away. My attraction to men will always be part of me and it will eventually lead me to make a huge decision about my marriage. I think I am getting there. Like I have said before..I am not as afraid as I used to be. I can actually think the words I would say to my wife without feeling like I am going to break down into a fear induced cold sweat.

I don't think I will ever completely understand myself but I am enjoying the challenge of figuring it all out. I feel stronger loosing my "control". Confidence I never had before is coming to the surface..and I like this feeling. I am definitely becoming more myself.

More about Ryan

Ryan and I..despite me trying to keep him at a distance..have been getting closer. There is something about this kid that I can't stop thinking about. It's his personality I like..he is flirty and always has a witty remark. Not over the top..just low key funny. He makes me laugh. He reminds me how I was before life got it's hold on me. I am not by any means a grouchy prude..but my spontaneous fun isn't what it used to be. Too many demons I guess..

He is almost the exact opposite of Paul in many ways. Paul is more to the point and can be too serious at times..but not overly so. Paul knows how to have fun..just when it's appropriate.

Ryan on the other hand is more willing to let loose..he isn't a joker or annoying with his humor though..he is a clever funny. A lot of dead pan humor. Sometimes I can't believe some of the shit that come out of his mouth.

He definitely has my attention...but I hope I am not becoming overly attached to him. It doesn't help that I work with him and see him practically everyday. ..but who cares really..we get along great and I enjoy being around him. No crime in that.

In all reality I think he is helping to remind me how to just relax again. I'm too much in my fucking head and not enjoying life around me. I need to let that crazy guy out that I used to be. I'm going to let loose this weekend..maybe get into some trouble like the old days..haha.

My Other Passion

Besides music and sex..my other love is hot clothes and the people who wear them. I love clothing basically..maybe my gay side coming out..? Don't think so..I just love dressing well and like others who enjoy the same. It's my little pleasure in life to go out and search for fun things to wear..it's become an addiction.

Just thought I would share a little more of my personality..besides my deep dark sexual frustrations.....

Lunch with Paul

So I sent that email to Paul..and we met up yesterday to talk about things.

First of all..here is a little back story on Paul and I.

We met in 9th grade..one of those first day-first class-first person to sit next to sort of things. We became fast friends and were pretty much inseparable for years. We always just seemed to get each other..to the point were we knew what each other were thinking. He was the more serious type and I was the looking to have fun type..but it seemed to be a good match up. Anyway..we starting "experimenting" and our friendship went to a whole other level. It was a good time in my life..very fond memories of him and us. But..me being in denial..killed everything. He wanted to become serious..I just wanted to have fun and fool around with other people. Things started to deteriorate after that..and by the end of high school..we didn't speak much. Our last conversation turned into a fight and we said some hurtful things to each other. That ended the friendship completely at that point. He went off to college..I went off to let my life spiral into chaos.

I feel guilty and stupid for pushing him away and letting our relationship end the way it did. He is the big 'What If' in my life. What if I had been more aware of myself back then and decided to be with him. He tried..even wanted me to go off to college with him and everything..but I tuned him out..didn't want to admit that I had feelings for him. I missed him so much when he left but was to stubborn to try and contact him. Then I started my "dating" and so on from there..

It's one of those bullshit..love lost..stories right? I can't dwell on it though..need to push forward.

So..we met up yesterday and had a good long chat. He said he was looking forward to meeting up since we ran into each other. He was glad that I emailed him and cleared everything up. I explained to him where I was mentally back then and how much things have changed in my life..where I am at now and the recent shit going on. Told him about Ryan and my confusion and how I am dealing with it and trying to figure myself out..finally. He understood..he went through his own turmoil. He was in several relationships over the years..was married for a short period..but now he is exclusively dating guys..but not in a relationship currently. He is very focused and sure of himself now..I envy that. We still have that connection too..it's weird..it's like we were never apart. Damn it was awesome seeing him again.

..funny how you worry about something and then it ends up happening completely different from what you imagine. I didn't expect everything to go so smooth. I expected to not be able to control my feelings for him and end up sleeping with him or something. I am definitely getting my self control back..or is that confidence I'm feeling...??

Little bit of everything..

Hey guys..been busy at work the past few days.

Things have been calming down on the home front. My wife and I had a good talk the other night..no I didn't come out or anything..almost did but she was too upset. Didn't want to send her over the edge..you know. Anyway..we have been getting along like we used to and it's been nice to have her back.

This has thrown me into a state of contentment for the moment. I want to focus on getting myself completely centered again before I make any rash decisions about my future..I've done that too often leading me to the situation I am in currently..so best not to have history repeat.

It will happen..I know. That fear inside is getting lesser by the day. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I've found there are others like me..but I have been way more in control of myself again. I think the arguments with my wife and the guilt about Ryan had been fucking with my head. I have decided not to let myself dwell on shit and straiten the fuck up.

All I know is that the confusion about why I had these feelings for men are gone. I had a light bulb moment..an epiphany..whatever you want to call it.. Now I know I am just another guy who happens to like both men and women..it doesn't make me weird or a monster..it's normal to a degree. This has been the big eye opener. I always had felt weird and alone..not anymore.


Ryan and I have been good boys..no sex. I told him that I felt bad enough about keeping secrets from everyone all these years that I don't need to add cheating to the mix. He understands..but of course said with a big cheesy grin "I'm available for when you change your mind". Damn..he's an ass..but in a good way.

Paul called me yesterday and left a message. I haven't brought myself to call him back yet. I have an email written to him about my world and everything that has happened since I last saw him..but I can't seem to get myself to send it. I'm trying to figure out why that is. We have a lot of history..maybe I just don't want another emotional attachment out there.. We could never keep our hands off each other when were younger..and all those feelings seem to still be there after our little run in. At this point I can't risk another Ryan on my hands.

Ok..well that's it for now. I need to be getting back to my non-secret life.
Have a great weekend guys..be back Tuesday.

Random Topic

I still can't believe as a society we still live with the idea that being bisexual or gay is taboo..I think that any intellegent person can see that it is completly normal and everything isn't just black and white.

I even think we should abandon distinctions between the sexual preferences completly. It's ok to fall for or just be attracted to anyone regardless of gender. I guarantee the majority of the population has some attractions to their same sex to varying degrees..therefore it is not unnatural.

I guess it is gradually happening..but shit..let's get going.

Starting to understand more..

I have really been digging deep the past few days trying to figure out why my view point on life has been changing so drastically.

I realized that it kicked into high gear shortly after a friend of mine passed away in early July. Years ago we had been close..we hung out all the time and just had fun..close friends that's all. We got along great but then he went through some hard times and never recovered..started abusing pain pills and alcohol..which led to his heart giving out..he was only a few years older than me.

I tried to keep in contact but he moved in with his parents and pretty much became a recluse. I called and stopped by but his parents were enablers and wouldn't let anyone see him. It was frustrating that I couldn't do anything to help.

Shortly after his funeral I started to have my own slight breakdown. I had a lot of shit going on in my life at the time..still do..but I didn't connect any of it to his death until now. It really affected me on a deep level. I don't want to die leaving all these unanswered questions.

I have always blocked out the emotional side of myself in an attempt to hide. I always put up walls..stayed in control..only aloud people to see what I wanted them to see. I seem to not be able to do that to the same extent anymore..and I don't mind. I want to be more myself and not this fake person that I wanted everyone to think I was. What does all this mean to my marriage? ..I don't know. I still have a lot to figure out.

Maybe I'm not as crazy as I thought..still fucked up..but not as crazy.

Josh update..

Oh..and a Josh update.

Ran into him this weekend after not getting a response to my messages and he acted like an arrogate ass. I can understand I guess..he did just drunkenly make a pass at me then proceed to cry all over me as well. He probably feels embarrassed and feels the need to macho it up.

Oh well..I will give him space and see if our friendship can withstand this.

Guy at the bar

This weekend my wife and I went out with another married couple for drinks at a local dive bar. I has glad..I needed to get shit faced after committing to "just be friends" with Ryan and then having sex with him again. Talk about weak willed..shit.

I was looking to get drunk and get my mind off of all guys. Of course it didn't exactly go as planned..as I walked in I made eye contact with this guy across the bar and an eye contact flirt session ensued for several hours. He was about mid to late thirties..short dark hair..a little rugged like he had been working outside all day..and good looking. I did try to not look at him..but every time I glanced over he was watching me. I don't get too many blatant situations like this..or maybe I just never paid too much attention before..but I was really enjoying it and started to look at him as much as I could.

So..after several drinks I got up to pee. I was standing at the urinal and who shows up next to me? Yup..hot bar guy. He didn't hide the fact that he was checking me out..eyeing me up and down making a point to linger on my dick which was out in full view from his perspective. I did the same to him as he relieved himself. It was an interesting experience. I never blatantly watched a guy pee before at a urinal. I have always been the type of guy that looked straight ahead when another guy stood next to me..mostly so my lust for cock wouldn't be triggered. This time however I just went for it. It was fun.

I finished up after we both stood there way past the final shake off point and went over to the sinks. We introduced ourselves and started some small talk..then he gave me his number and told me I should call him sometime while lightly running his hand down my arm. This was weird. It was a little too intimate and the look he gave me while doing it was..creepy. It just threw it into the odd category for me. I don't know exactly what it was. All I know it that for me it just screamed..ass rape then chopped up and put in a bag and buried somewhere..that's the way it made me feel anyway. Way too similar to a bad experience I had when I was younger on a "date".

Again though I was confused as to why this guy just came on to me to forcefully..but then I realized that in the past I would never have been flirting back with the guy as much as I was when sitting at the bar. Of course he would think I was interested. Hence following me into the bathroom in an attempt at a pick up.

I am really starting to throw myself out there too much and it is concerning me. I definitely need to watch myself more and pull it back..too much at risk to get carried away.

Journey to hell..

Ryan and I had sex again.

What's happening to me?? I was so in control of myself and now I am on the fast road to hell. Well..ok maybe it isn't quite that dramatic but it feels that way.

My dilemma at this point is.. Do I cut off contact with these guys and go back to my "straight" life and not look back(again)..just keeping this shit bottled up inside until I explode?(again) ..or just go with it and start cheating and getting my frustrations out on the side. Divorce at this point is NOT an option..although it has come up in a few recent arguments with my wife..so I guess you never know.

I feel guilty..but yet I don't all at the same time. That part of me that does not fell guilty is new..I was never so callus before. Maybe it's from being mentally exhausted with the whole situation? Don't know. I just know that I am leaning toward the later of my two choices..and I'm going to just let things happen.


Ryan just walked by my office with a devilish grin on his face..asshole..why does he have to be so hot and smell so good..fuck he is driving me crazy.

Random Music

Lisztomania by Phoenix

Paul

..and then there is Paul. This is a total fluke and is what makes me think that something quite possibly is fucking with me..

I'm out picking up a few things since I'm doing some repairs on my house and I turn down an isle and there standing in front of me is Paul..a really close "friend" of mine from childhood. I hadn't spoken to him in about 12 years..and there he was.

Paul was the first guy I fooled around with. Last I heard he went out of state to college. I couldn't believe with all the shit lately that I would run into him of all people.

He turned and looked over and seemed just as surprised to see me. We both smiled and started talking..turns out he moved back a few years ago and then just recently into the area I live in. We gave each other a quick update on each others lives and got each others info to meet up sometime.

I just have to say that to run into him right now is extremely coincidental..with everything else that is going on in my life. I don't believe in coincidences. There is a reason for everything..just need to figure out what this means. I'm looking forward to meeting up with him.

Crazy..

Ok. I am done posting for the day..need to get some shit done.

Ryan

Ok this next thing has thrown me into a weird state of mind.

Yesterday morning Ryan and I had agreed to meet for coffee before we went into work. It was nice and I enjoyed it..felt good to sort let my true self out. We checked a few guys out and gave each other knowing looks and all that. Just having a good morning talking and reading the paper.

Then he leans in a says that he has never stopped thinking about me and when he saw me at work that first time..he was excited and nervous to see me. Then he tells me the big one..these were his words.."I think I can easily fall in love with you..I maybe have a little already". What the fuck..is all I could think. I just stared at him and he smiled and leaned back looking at his paper.

I couldn't believe he had just said that. Here I am trying to create a friendship with him and he tells me he could be falling in love with me? Don't get me wrong..I liked hearing that, but then again I didn't. It puts way too much pressure on me. I mean..I go from being a "normal" married guy to all of a sudden having guys making passes and confessing their love for me..this one is throwing me off because I think I do want to be with him too. On one hand I'm thinking "Yes, I think I can fall for you too..lets leave our families and be together" and then the other more rational side of me is thinking "Are you fucking crazy..don't tell me this shit..do you think I'm going to just throw away my life which I have struggled to build for some dude?!"

I had to just let it go..and chalk it up to just a comment during a really nice morning with a close friend..I guess. I can't think of it in any other way for now.

Shit..I'm starting to feel like I'm in a soap opera or some weird movie with all this.

Josh

I officially think something IS fucking with me.. Let me tell you all what events that went down the last couple days. There will be several parts to this..

I met up with my friend Josh for a few drinks at his place after class Tuesday night. He was the topic of one of my prior posts..anyway he was well ahead of me in the getting drunk phase. We start talking while I tried to catch up and he starts to unload some issues on me..now this isn't too out of the ordinary for him. Josh is somewhat of an emotional type..you know the one that hugs everyone upon meeting..you sort of feel like you want to watch out for the guy. This time the conversation turned to some heavy shit about life-career-marriage.

Anyway..he starts telling me all his marital problems and that he thinks he is about to get divorced and how he doesn't know what he is going to do and all that typical drunk blubbering shit.

Well as the good friend..I listened and tried to throw out some advice here and there. I didn't mind it all since I love watching him talk..he has one of the most sexiest mouths I've ever seen.

He had gotten up and was pacing around and getting bit animated and.. then it got interesting.

He came plopping down right next to me on the couch and put his hand on my thigh and squeezed..way to close to my crotch to be just nothing. I just looked at him and he looked at me in silence for a minute then he leaned in a little..I was sort of taken by surprise so I pulled back a little. He looked away and got up abruptly and said he thought he had too much to drink and needed to crash. I just looked at him..but he wouldn't make eye contact. All I could think was "Fuck..now what do I do". If only I could just tell him about me..right? He seemed to be getting more upset..so I got up and hugged him..like I said..he hugs everyone so this wasn't out of the ordinary. However this time he just broke down..saying he was sorry and he didn't know what he was doing. I just said it was ok and don't stress about it. Then I guided him to his room and told him I would call.

Could it really be that my attraction to him is a mutual thing..or just drunk insecurities coming out on his part? Now we all know..I would have loved to have fucked his brains out..but I couldn't especially while he was in that state and well..I'm trying to stay true to my marriage and all. Which I am finding harder by the day..

So..I texted him yesterday and he didn't respond. I called and left him a message that we need to go hang this weekend..that it would be good for both of us.

Also..isn't it ME that's supposed to be pulling this crap on guys..not the other way around??

It must have to do with this blogging since I feel more prepared to handle this type of thing. Feels weird..but I was completely level headed about the whole thing when if this were a couple months ago..I would have been a nervous wreck over it. Funny thing is that I didn't even realize the change in me..when did that happen? I guess just knowing that I am not alone in this makes me more assured of myself...I like that.

..This isn't the only thing that happened. I will post the next bit later.

Guy Pic

This dude looks awesome in that suit. I would so wear that..if only it didn't look really gay and scream show off.. haha

Another update

I just posted something that I had started writing weeks ago but never got around to finishing. So there it is. I guess that means I would be considered more on the gay side then the straight side. I am attracted to men physically and emotionally..more so than women. That realisation..or admission I guess..has really been a shock to myself. I have always thought I knew exactly who I was and now I realise I don't at all. Shit.

I definitely feel a lot more centered this week though..let's see if it holds. This roller coaster I am on is not fun..I have been feeling like a chick on her period..wanting to break down one minute then pissed off the next. This is all so strange for me since I usually am in complete control of myself.

Ryan and I have had a few conversations over the last few days. He is a good guy and I think an understanding kind of friendship can form from all this. He apparently is in the same position I am in. He did drop back into my life for a reason..I know that now.

..so anyway. Work has been busy, with the added pressure of the owner having financial issues and "cleaning house" his words..oh well..I am trying to make some changes in my life right..if I get sent packing..maybe it will end up better in the long run. Classes have started again also..here goes the balancing act again.

That's it for now..thanks guys!

Experiences

I have had plently of sexual experiences in my life with both men and women. The ones that are always more of a focus in my mind are the ones with guys. Until recently, I always thought of those encounters as "Just having some fun" or "What does it hurt to experiment a little"..now I am finally admitting to myself that those are the experiences that I prefer. I mean..I never fantisize about a women the way I do of a man. If fact if I did fantisize about a woman..a man was always involved as well. That should have been my first clue right..no..denial took over big time. Plus, I had other responsibilities that kept me from even considering the thought of a serious relationship with a guy. Even though I had a few of those in my past..I never really let them last. I realize now how much more myself I was when I was in those guy relationships. I miss that feeling..

Random Music

Modest Mouse-World At Large

Update

Hey all..I know it's been a while since I posted anything. Life has gotten crazy lately. Things are getting strained between my wife and I. She is sensing a change in me..she even has asked what's up with me. I of course said "nothing" and blamed work..but I really wanted to grab her and say.."I'm going through an internal crisis..I need help!!" Unfortunately she wouldnt understand..she comes from a certain type of family and they have made it clear how they feel about guys like me.
..I have been debating whether this whole blog thing was a good idea. It has only succeeded in my complete lose of self control and I feel more screwed up now then ever. Oh..I had sex with Ryan..my co-worker/ex"friend" I wrote about. Just happened..well not really..I let it happen. Was fighting with my wife for several days non stop..ended up going to lunch again with Ryan..then back to his place..then sex. Really not proud of myself..but it's done and I can't take it back now. I talked to him and told him that I made a mistake and it wasn't something I do..he agrees..and we are just going to forget it for now.
I need to really figure some shit out..

Crazy thoughts..

Everything is just getting weird in my head this afternoon..i feel like i am stumbling through my life in this "fake" world I have created around me. when I think about my past or even recent memories..it feels like I am viewing it through a camera lens or outside myself or something like that. I always feel out of place and that I don't fit in. Shit..listen to me..acting like a little bitch or something..ok..that's obviously me lashing out at myself...

Anyway..the events from friday have really done a number on me. I just need to get centered and figure it all out. Any advice..if there is even advice on how to stop your head from thinking too much...haha

Just needed to vent..

Now what..?

I know I haven't posted anything since early last week..but things have been busy at work and a little crazy in my personal life. In my last post I mentioned the "old friend" that started working at my company..well we ended up fooling around. It was very unexpected and something that has left me all fucked up.

On Friday..I ran into him outside my office. He said hey and we started talking. We then decided to go grab lunch to discuss things. We had a very good talk at lunch..discussed our current lives, some fun times we had and I made sure to tell him that everything was still just between us. That seemed to relax him and I'm guessing the fact that I was married as well made him even more comfortable. Now let me state that there was not even a thought of this lunch being more then just lunch in any way..and it was just that until we got back into my truck to head back to our office. The parking lot was off to the side of the building away from the street so we just sat there for a few minutes talking more...then we were making out. I don't even remember thinking that I was going to kiss him or acknowledging him wanting to kiss me..it was just happening. Our hands we all over the place..grabbing and pulling and undoing each others clothes..it was intense. Thank god we seemed to get our senses back before anything was used besides our hands. I don't think I would have been ok with that..even though I know I would have gone through with it..which goes against my rules of marriage.

Since then I have been a mental basket case.. I WANT to do more..but I just can't. Now I am the one avoiding him and I think any kind of friendship between us is done. I don't think I can risk even being around him. This guy does something to me that I didn't realize he did. I was thinking how cute he was and remembering some pretty intimate things during our lunch..and I have always thought about him to a certain degree..but I didn't realize these intense feelings were there. I don't know what I should do. I knew when I saw him that something like this would happen..I just didn't want to admit it to myself.

Is it just my pent up frustrations coming out? ..or is there something with this guy and a reason why he is suddenly back in my life..??

New Guy..sort of

I had an interesting thing happen today..

An old guy "friend" I used to fool around with walked in today as a new employee at my company. We met each other through mutual acquaintances several years ago before I was married. He on the other hand was married at the time and still looks to be so.. Our relationship was completely secret and what I thought of as a friend with benefits..we met occasionally when convenient for both of us and just had fun together. He was definitely what I considered one of my favorites guy friends. Very cute-clean cut-awesome body.

The thing is..when we made eye contact..he visibly hesitated and then adverted his eyes from me. We didn't speak at all. I am a little unsure of that reaction..I understand..but I feel we were fairly close for that period of time and wouldn't have expected that reaction from him.

I am debated how to approach him or if I should at all..since my presence made him feel obviously uncomfortable.

Any thoughts??

Random Guy Pics

Obsession

I am obsessed with seeing other guys dicks.

It stems from when I was a kid in middle school. Actually..I was curious before..but this put it into high gear. It was the first week of school and I was in PE (Physical Education) which had a mixture of the different aged students..and this one kid who was a few years older(maybe 14) had on loose shorts and major swingage..I was fascinated. I couldn't stop thinking about him all day and night. I just knew I had to see it. I followed him the next day into the shower area just to get a good look at it out in all its glory and it was amazing! ..from then on I was hooked. I even switched lockers with a buddy just so I could have a better view of the showers and every year after that I made sure to keep that view. I relished in seeing all my male friends naked..and it only got better as I got older. It was hard to shower myself for fear of getting hard..but I was determined to try and get better vantage points on the whole situation. I was constantly horny like all other males at that age..but I was able to figure out ways of controlling my boners for the most part. By high school I managed to control my thoughts enough to shower without issue and I really had some fun discreetly checking out the other guys.

That desire is still just as strong today. Checking for swingage or a nice defined outline in a guys pants or shorts is one of my favorite things to do. I "people watch" for it all the time. I have even gone as far as..while driving and seeing a guy running..swinging around and driving past again to get a second look...

That is what I define as obsessed for sure.

Be Back Monday

Thanks for all the comments. I'm off for the weekend.

Run

Feeling a little like I want to run and just keep running. I get this way sometimes. Maybe it's because of all the shit I keep bottled inside and with this blog I have been letting it all out..and it feels good..but it also is bringing it all to the forefront of my mind. I usually don't let that happen. Oh well..it will pass.

Oh and I finally found a blog title that doesn't annoy me. I wont change it again..but thought since I don't have many followers yet..it's not a big deal.

Random Music

Heard this song this morning and I thought "this fits surprisingly well with my life"...interesting.

Physical attraction

The pic I just posted got me thinking..

I find myself more physically attracted to the male body. I can appreciate a female body..don't get me wrong..there is a beauty in that sensual soft way that is amazing. It's just that I get a stronger reaction within myself at looking at a nude man. I guess there is definitely something to that..leaning more towards the gay side of me. Men are sexy and their bodies are firm and sculpted..just beautiful. I love a good nude male model. I will be posting some pics of interesting male models in the future.

Random guy pic

My other secret..and it's monkey wrench on my life.

Ok..besides the obvious "I think I'm gay" secret..I have another that I never told anyone I was ever with. When I was 17-18 a guy friend I was fooling around with asked me if I wanted to make money going on "dates" with other guys. I thought..shit, why not. I grew up poor and without a dad..what would you expect..right?? After all I was going through my "experimental" years and to make some easy cash..I said fuck yeah?? I agreed to give it a try and ended up doing it for several years off and on. I made great money and got some nice gifts out of it but after a while..I felt completely disgusted with myself and all men in general after a very unpleasant last encounter.. They were deviant assholes in my mind and so was I for letting myself go that far.

So whats a guy to do after this whole ordeal? Go to the doctor..get checked(all clean thank god)..and leave that gay shit behind...for good. It worked for the most part for several years. I started dating a few girls..and decided what I needed to do to get things back on track was start myself a family. haha..I was almost 20 and ready for that after all....right??? No. Making rash decisions on the rebound of poor ones, is never a good idea. Hindsight is a bitch.. Anyway I proposed to this girl I had been dating for three months and we went to Vegas and got married. I wont go into details about the marriage..but obviously it didn't work out. She eventually took off out of my life for good. I was left trying to figure out where to go from there.

I started thinking about guys again..It never really stopped.. I had plenty of jack off sessions over the years and got my flirt on when I was out alone, but no male sexual contact in about 4 years..not since my last "job". I started going out again feeling older and wiser. I had several short relationships with guys and girls..none that I really think about except one guy in particular, Daniel. We met at a bar..he was a 31 year old high school math teacher and hot and I thought "he's fun, we can hang out and I can get these male frustrations out" since I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't touch a guy on occasion. You know..still thinking "fuck it" I want to have some fun right..not gay here..just fun and open. Even though I considered us friends at the time..looking back..it was more than that. I truly enjoyed being with him..I practically lived at his place for periods of time. This went on for 9 months or so..then he got a job offer and moved out of state. No big deal..we called each other a few times..but it eventually fizzled out. I kept casually dating and meeting different guys and girls..it was a good time.

Then I got a call from this good female friend of mine out of the blue. We hadn't even spoken to each other in a while..but there she was and I had had this crush on her but she was in a relationship and it had never went anywhere. Her relationship was now over and she wanted to see what I was up to and go get drinks. I was on my way to see this guy I had met a few weeks earlier..but decided to cancel and see her instead. We started dating soon after..and she is now my wife. There are many reasons this seemed like it would work out..she was fun and great with my kid from my first marriage and I thought "maybe this is my chance to have that family" that I tried to create before. After all..I'm not gay or anything..

Now several more years later I find myself finally figuring myself out..at least I think I am. I have constant thoughts of guys..and I finally admitted to myself in my head that "I think I might actually be gay". I would never let myself really think those words before. I still can't really accept it. There is too much I could loose to accept those words as fact.

I think that decision I made when I was 17 threw my life out of whack. I go over those decisions and think how different things would have been if I did things differently. I know I would have made better choices and I wouldn't have gotten myself into this mess right now..but again hindsight right....

I just need to figure out myself and what I need to do from here on. Admitting my attraction to guys as being nothing more than just fun and free times as a kid is getting harder. Am I really gay..or am I just bored with my life..??? Am I just thinking about the fun times I had with these guys and that's what I'm longing for..that freedom to choose? If that's the case..I'm just being selfish.

Title Change

I changed my blog title from 'My Male Interests' to 'Am I straight or gay?'. Thought it's nice and simple and better explained what I was writing about..

After I get a few things going here at work..yes blogging on company time..I have some thoughts I want to post.

Flirting

I got flirted with big time by this cute blond guy at Starbucks this morning. To the point where I became slightly uncomfortable..since others were around. He wasn't overly flamboyant (which is not my type), but he was noticeably gay. Just by his demeanor. I just responded to the small talk and smiled back..then he touched my hand while giving me my drink asking if I needed anything else. Doesn't take any gaydar to see that it was an obvious pick up..but again, being married, I didn't respond back. Just smiled and said no and thanks.

It was fun..and a great ego boost. I love mornings like that.

I tend to get flirted with a lot by both men and women..mostly men though. I get the arm touches and the little laughs with the lingering stares..what's that all about? Do I have a sign on my forehead that gives the ok..? I am not by any means flamboyant. The guys that I have fooled around with in the past were all completely surprised that I was into guys. Maybe I put off a "come get me" pheromone directed towards men?? If that were the case then I would know for sure the universe is fucking with me...

Random cute guy

This is Bug Hall. A not so well known actor. I happened upon this pic and thought I would share it.

I think I will make this a regular thing. Posting pics of guys that catch my interest.

Damn guy crushes..what the fuck..

I have this friend Josh. He is a fun guy, cute, edgy, tattoos, drummer in band..you know..all the good stuff. We have been hanging out more recently, just chilling and drinking, nothing too exciting, budding friendship type of thing. Anyway the problem is that I am developing this mad ass crush on him and I can't shake it. I mean really...am I a 12 year old girl?? What's wrong with me? I mean it's getting to the point where I can't even look at him without wanting to lunge forward and kiss him. I don't know how to handle this. I have been attracted to random male friends/co-workers before, but no guy has ever made me feel like this at all. I literally feel like I'm a teenager again..increased heart rate and everything. Now he is married with a kid, but I do get a sense back from him. I do not have "gaydar" to a great extent, but there have been lingering looks between us at times..maybe it's the alcohol, but it's happened while we weren't drinking too. I am not at all sure what that means on his end. I just want to be able to hang with him without feeling like this. It's not helping my current life situation.

Damn would it be nice just to feel him close...see a complete mess here.

How should I handle this?

Confusion...

I thought I had come to terms with my sexuality..actually I have thought that SEVERAL times in my past..but apparently it isn't as simple as just "OK, no more of that shit". Everything for the most part in my life has been running smooth with the occasional wrench thrown in to keep things interesting. Lately, however, my mind has been wandering back to guys and sex. I have been very good at self-control for years now. I have not cheated on my wife nor would I want to..but there is this fire inside me that I don't feel I can keep in control anymore. I don't know what I am going to do. I have too much going on right now that this is really fucking with my head.

I'd like to think that I live with no regrets, which is something I have always tried to convince myself of, but in reality I have many. I should not have gotten married again for one...but when it is expected of you to do so..what then? In all reality I did always want to create that family life that I never had when I grew up. The wife, kids, nice house..dog...you know the typical white picket fence deal. For the most part I have accomplished this, even with the set back of my prior marriage..and this one is working out very well. Things seem to be falling into place. The only problem is my constant struggle to keep my attraction to men in check. Now I am regretting getting involved with a woman again..I don't want to hurt her or my kids, but I just don't know if I can keep going like this forever....It's finally eating me up inside..I hate having to lie about past relationships..turning "boyfriends" into "girlfriends" in my conversations and being on constant alert not to let my eyes wander too long on men..among other things. It's all just exahsting..and I am growing tired of all the secrets. I just want to be me..myself with no holding back on my feelings.

I have lived my life for everyone else..making sure my kids had the home life they needed and trying to be the person everyone wanted me to be. However now all I keep thinking is..Do I get a turn to just be myself? .....or am I just being selfish..??

Wow that felt good to unload..ok..I feel a little less crazy now.

Getting Started

Hey all..this is my first blog about me and my struggles with coming to terms with who I am. I am a 30 year old guy, I have kids and I'm in a relationship with a woman I care a lot about. I work in finance..trying to finish my degree..and generally getting my life back on track after many set backs. I guess it sounds fairly average....except I am also attracted to men.

This attraction has always been there and I have tried VERY hard to ignore it...but as I get older I realize it's a part of me I cannot ignore anymore. I need to figure out what to do with my life and stop the insanity in my head of the what ifs which seem to be plaguing me with ever more frequency over the past year.

So here starts my path..like many others..about self discovery. I could use all the advise I can get...