Hey all..I know it's been a while since I posted anything. Life has gotten crazy lately. Things are getting strained between my wife and I. She is sensing a change in me..she even has asked what's up with me. I of course said "nothing" and blamed work..but I really wanted to grab her and say.."I'm going through an internal crisis..I need help!!" Unfortunately she wouldnt understand..she comes from a certain type of family and they have made it clear how they feel about guys like me.
..I have been debating whether this whole blog thing was a good idea. It has only succeeded in my complete lose of self control and I feel more screwed up now then ever. Oh..I had sex with Ryan..my co-worker/ex"friend" I wrote about. Just happened..well not really..I let it happen. Was fighting with my wife for several days non stop..ended up going to lunch again with Ryan..then back to his place..then sex. Really not proud of myself..but it's done and I can't take it back now. I talked to him and told him that I made a mistake and it wasn't something I do..he agrees..and we are just going to forget it for now.
I need to really figure some shit out..
Good luck to you. I hope you can figure out a reasonable path for the rest of your life. You've still got a lot to live.
ReplyDeleteIt's true, blogging stirs up a lot of shit you otherwise would not be so actively thinking about.
ReplyDeleteYou can stop blogging. That doesn't change who you are or how you feel or the situation you're in or how you deal with that situation. But quitting (or taking an extended break) might make you feel like you've made some kind of decision, maybe that you're done with men and done thinking about them. You can feel that way, but that's probably not the reality.
What I most enjoy about blogging are the friends I've made and the mutual support we offer each other. Also, it's a way to vent and to feel like you're not alone, a way to know how other people have handled similar situations.
About figuring this shit out: Most guys seem to evolve over time. The first thing to figure out is to understand your sexuality and accept who you are; to stop torturing yourself for not being a typical (boring) straight man. You can't find peace unless you accept yourself. The second step is to ask, "Now what?" For a married man there are only four options: don't cheat, cheat with permission, cheat without permission, end your marriage. Two of those require making a confession to your wife (although you can end the marriage without confessing, it may prove awkward later if the truth gets out), two do not. So the third step often is answering the question, "Do I tell or do I not?" The fourth step is to take action, to pursue what you want within the limits (or not) you have set for yourself. IDK if any of that helps or not, but that's my two cents.
It does help, thanks.
ReplyDeleteI am the "don't cheat" type of guy..I don't know what happened..I think I was just angry at everything and everyone and I wanted to hurt myself to a certain degree. Now I have guilt and regret and maybe I thought it would make me not have those feelings for men..snap me out of it or something..I don't know.
I will keep blogging..I think stiring up these emotions are what I need in order to figure things out. I want that more than anything right now.