So I sent that email to Paul..and we met up yesterday to talk about things.
First of all..here is a little back story on Paul and I.
We met in 9th grade..one of those first day-first class-first person to sit next to sort of things. We became fast friends and were pretty much inseparable for years. We always just seemed to get each other..to the point were we knew what each other were thinking. He was the more serious type and I was the looking to have fun type..but it seemed to be a good match up. Anyway..we starting "experimenting" and our friendship went to a whole other level. It was a good time in my life..very fond memories of him and us. But..me being in denial..killed everything. He wanted to become serious..I just wanted to have fun and fool around with other people. Things started to deteriorate after that..and by the end of high school..we didn't speak much. Our last conversation turned into a fight and we said some hurtful things to each other. That ended the friendship completely at that point. He went off to college..I went off to let my life spiral into chaos.
I feel guilty and stupid for pushing him away and letting our relationship end the way it did. He is the big 'What If' in my life. What if I had been more aware of myself back then and decided to be with him. He tried..even wanted me to go off to college with him and everything..but I tuned him out..didn't want to admit that I had feelings for him. I missed him so much when he left but was to stubborn to try and contact him. Then I started my "dating" and so on from there..
It's one of those bullshit..love lost..stories right? I can't dwell on it though..need to push forward.
So..we met up yesterday and had a good long chat. He said he was looking forward to meeting up since we ran into each other. He was glad that I emailed him and cleared everything up. I explained to him where I was mentally back then and how much things have changed in my life..where I am at now and the recent shit going on. Told him about Ryan and my confusion and how I am dealing with it and trying to figure myself out..finally. He understood..he went through his own turmoil. He was in several relationships over the years..was married for a short period..but now he is exclusively dating guys..but not in a relationship currently. He is very focused and sure of himself now..I envy that. We still have that connection too..it's weird..it's like we were never apart. Damn it was awesome seeing him again.
..funny how you worry about something and then it ends up happening completely different from what you imagine. I didn't expect everything to go so smooth. I expected to not be able to control my feelings for him and end up sleeping with him or something. I am definitely getting my self control back..or is that confidence I'm feeling...??
The fact that you are faced with temptation after temptation and, for the most part, you've been able to keep your clothes on - I think that's pretty impressive.
ReplyDeleteDo you think your relationship with Paul has transitioned to friendship-only? Or is it possible that you can end up in bed together at any moment? I don't know which I would prefer for you. Long lost love...you can't get more Hollywood-classic than that. But, as appealing as that idea is, maybe you just need a friend that you can completely trust and know that he's not going to fuck with your head?
Now that you have successfully handled all these temptations does that mean you honestly want to commit 100% to your wife? Or, are you just keeping your head clear so you can figure out what you want your future to be?
I am really focused on getting my head clear and trying to figure out the future. I don't want to go fucking around with different guys..it isn't me..anymore. It makes me feel like shit.
ReplyDeleteLong lost love?..yes and no. We were really young when we were together..now as adults..I'm not sure if we would work in a relationship. I think good friends will be best for now.
Like I said..I am changing and becoming more aware of my feelings instead of suppressing them. What this means for me in the long run..I still don't know. I just know that I am not looking to rush into anything..need to take my time.
I've just discovered your blog, and I'm reading all the back entries to kind of catch up on where you're coming from. The blog, and you, are both fascinating.
ReplyDeleteSo here's my completely unsolicited perspective:
I went through a similar struggle when I was younger. I wouldn't say I ever completely resolved it, but I have reached a state of equilibrium with it, and made peace with the conflict. What I've found is that I've had more control over myself, and the choices I make, when I'm being honest with myself. It's those times when I'm trying to pretend I'm totally straight (or gay), or totally happy in a relationship that's miserable, that I find myself acting out, having sex I regretted, sabotaging relationships. I've also found that those are times when I care more about what other people expect of me than being good to myself, or honoring what is true about me.
Looking at the subjects for entries that follow this one, I know I'll continue to be intrigued. Whatever happens, I have faith in you that you'll get where you need to be, that you'll learn what you need to learn from this, that you'll do what's right, that you'll make sense of all of this.
I know this is tough, and I'm glad you know that you are not alone.
And then I remember the other part of what I started to say... in my experience, most of that "what have I done?" sex was part warning bell, part pressure valve. I couldn't stop it because I Just. Needed. A. Release. And also I needed to acknowledge some aspect of myself (ie yes, I really do like guys, or yes, I really am kinkier than what gets expressed in my current relationship, for a couple of examples) and this was the only way my psyche had to get my attention.
ReplyDelete