Ok this next thing has thrown me into a weird state of mind.
Yesterday morning Ryan and I had agreed to meet for coffee before we went into work. It was nice and I enjoyed it..felt good to sort let my true self out. We checked a few guys out and gave each other knowing looks and all that. Just having a good morning talking and reading the paper.
Then he leans in a says that he has never stopped thinking about me and when he saw me at work that first time..he was excited and nervous to see me. Then he tells me the big one..these were his words.."I think I can easily fall in love with you..I maybe have a little already". What the fuck..is all I could think. I just stared at him and he smiled and leaned back looking at his paper.
I couldn't believe he had just said that. Here I am trying to create a friendship with him and he tells me he could be falling in love with me? Don't get me wrong..I liked hearing that, but then again I didn't. It puts way too much pressure on me. I mean..I go from being a "normal" married guy to all of a sudden having guys making passes and confessing their love for me..this one is throwing me off because I think I do want to be with him too. On one hand I'm thinking "Yes, I think I can fall for you too..lets leave our families and be together" and then the other more rational side of me is thinking "Are you fucking crazy..don't tell me this shit..do you think I'm going to just throw away my life which I have struggled to build for some dude?!"
I had to just let it go..and chalk it up to just a comment during a really nice morning with a close friend..I guess. I can't think of it in any other way for now.
Shit..I'm starting to feel like I'm in a soap opera or some weird movie with all this.
Ok, wow.
ReplyDeleteMy head would be spinning too.
Tell Ryan you need some time - your brain is fried from all that has happened or been discussed in such a short time. Tell him that you like him, that you want to be friends but more than that you just can't say because you just don't know what you want. Ask him to respect your need for time - he'll have no option but to comply. Alternatively, you can put him in the hot spot. Call his bluff. Tell him you'll talk to your wife as soon as he tells his that he's gay and leaving her. A taste of reality should hit him hard and put the brakes on his daydreaming.
As for Josh - he basically came out to you. When you next meet him you need to reassure him that you're friends, no matter what, and then ask him if there are some things he wants to tell you, while he's sober. Josh is obviously in a bad way and he needs support.
Between these two guys, you might be wondering where YOUR support is! I guess that's where guys like me step in to give free advice. (It's worth every penny.)
Basically, the more you can foster open and honest communication with these guys, the better. Open enough for them to say the might be falling for you and honest enough for you to say, "Give me some time!"
Thanks TwoLives..
ReplyDeleteAbout needing support..I was thinking "What the hell is going on..I am the one going through an internal crisis. Can't all you fuckers just leave me alone to figure things out?" But then..maybe this is all part of it.
I felt more secure with myself than I ever have when Josh was crying on my shoulder. I never in my life felt like that before.. I knew what he was possibly going through and I didn't feel alone anymore. I think I need to tell him about me. That's a scary thought though..
As for Ryan..I just am going to ignore the comment for right now and see what happens. I don't want to make more of it than what it is.
Thanks for the advise..it helps a lot.