Starting to understand more..

I have really been digging deep the past few days trying to figure out why my view point on life has been changing so drastically.

I realized that it kicked into high gear shortly after a friend of mine passed away in early July. Years ago we had been close..we hung out all the time and just had fun..close friends that's all. We got along great but then he went through some hard times and never recovered..started abusing pain pills and alcohol..which led to his heart giving out..he was only a few years older than me.

I tried to keep in contact but he moved in with his parents and pretty much became a recluse. I called and stopped by but his parents were enablers and wouldn't let anyone see him. It was frustrating that I couldn't do anything to help.

Shortly after his funeral I started to have my own slight breakdown. I had a lot of shit going on in my life at the time..still do..but I didn't connect any of it to his death until now. It really affected me on a deep level. I don't want to die leaving all these unanswered questions.

I have always blocked out the emotional side of myself in an attempt to hide. I always put up walls..stayed in control..only aloud people to see what I wanted them to see. I seem to not be able to do that to the same extent anymore..and I don't mind. I want to be more myself and not this fake person that I wanted everyone to think I was. What does all this mean to my marriage? ..I don't know. I still have a lot to figure out.

Maybe I'm not as crazy as I thought..still fucked up..but not as crazy.