Ryan's back from his vacation. Damn I missed that kid. He is so freakin cute. He came in my office with his hair a little longer and messier with those blue eyes all sparkling with excitement when he saw me...it was nice. He said he missed me and was glad to be back. I'm definitely glad he's back. He even brought me this stupid little souvenir for my desk..I just looked at him and said "Really?"..he laughed shrugging his shoulders and left.
We met up for what now is becoming our usual lunches together. I told him about everything that happened while he was gone..even about William. I mean he already knows about Paul so I figure since I can't be completely honest with my wife..at least I can be with Ryan and the other guys I'm close too. He was all excited to hear about the details. I'm glad he wasn't upset..I thought he might have thought we were exclusive or something..even though nothing like that was ever said. He did thank me for telling him and promised to tell me if he gets any other action..with great enthusiasm. haha I told him as long as he's safe and doesn't go getting any random bareback in a dark alley somewhere..we would be good. He's not like that though. He..like me..likes to have close serious "friendships" with guys.
Being able to be honest with these guys has helped me more than I could have hoped. It's healing in a way. I'm realizing how toxic lying is now that I see how it feels when I'm home with my wife. I feel closed up and bitter at home. That sucks. It's necessary for now though. I am still way more positive at home then I used to be..things are happier even with the toxic lies.
More unsolicited feedback:
ReplyDeleteSome people look at lies as a sin, as toxic, as something horribly wrong and evil. I look at lies as more of a symptom; a person lies when s/he feels unsafe telling the truth. In some absolute sense, it is probably toxic or bad lying to your wife; I am sure she would think so anyway. But one could also look at it as a necessary evil, in that you are doing what you need to do to keep your family together while you sort things out. You are protecting your children. And at least part of the reason you are lying to her is that you are protecting her from that which would surely traumatize her.
I think that it's probably easier to balance it all having people in your life, like Ryan, with whom you can be honest. You need that safety valve, so that you don't find yourself acting out in self-destructive ways.
Also, it might be funny to learn, years from now, when you come out to your wife, that she knew all along and was waiting for you to come out on your own timetable. Stranger things have happened. Still, the risk that she wouldn't react that way is great enough to where I think it's completely understandable how you're working it now.
Don't be so hard on yourself. I think "toxic" is a little harsh.