Ok..besides the obvious "I think I'm gay" secret..I have another that I never told anyone I was ever with. When I was 17-18 a guy friend I was fooling around with asked me if I wanted to make money going on "dates" with other guys. I thought..shit, why not. I grew up poor and without a dad..what would you expect..right?? After all I was going through my "experimental" years and to make some easy cash..I said fuck yeah?? I agreed to give it a try and ended up doing it for several years off and on. I made great money and got some nice gifts out of it but after a while..I felt completely disgusted with myself and all men in general after a very unpleasant last encounter.. They were deviant assholes in my mind and so was I for letting myself go that far.
So whats a guy to do after this whole ordeal? Go to the doctor..get checked(all clean thank god)..and leave that gay shit behind...for good. It worked for the most part for several years. I started dating a few girls..and decided what I needed to do to get things back on track was start myself a family. haha..I was almost 20 and ready for that after all....right??? No. Making rash decisions on the rebound of poor ones, is never a good idea. Hindsight is a bitch.. Anyway I proposed to this girl I had been dating for three months and we went to Vegas and got married. I wont go into details about the marriage..but obviously it didn't work out. She eventually took off out of my life for good. I was left trying to figure out where to go from there.
I started thinking about guys again..It never really stopped.. I had plenty of jack off sessions over the years and got my flirt on when I was out alone, but no male sexual contact in about 4 years..not since my last "job". I started going out again feeling older and wiser. I had several short relationships with guys and girls..none that I really think about except one guy in particular, Daniel. We met at a bar..he was a 31 year old high school math teacher and hot and I thought "he's fun, we can hang out and I can get these male frustrations out" since I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't touch a guy on occasion. You know..still thinking "fuck it" I want to have some fun right..not gay here..just fun and open. Even though I considered us friends at the time..looking back..it was more than that. I truly enjoyed being with him..I practically lived at his place for periods of time. This went on for 9 months or so..then he got a job offer and moved out of state. No big deal..we called each other a few times..but it eventually fizzled out. I kept casually dating and meeting different guys and girls..it was a good time.
Then I got a call from this good female friend of mine out of the blue. We hadn't even spoken to each other in a while..but there she was and I had had this crush on her but she was in a relationship and it had never went anywhere. Her relationship was now over and she wanted to see what I was up to and go get drinks. I was on my way to see this guy I had met a few weeks earlier..but decided to cancel and see her instead. We started dating soon after..and she is now my wife. There are many reasons this seemed like it would work out..she was fun and great with my kid from my first marriage and I thought "maybe this is my chance to have that family" that I tried to create before. After all..I'm not gay or anything..
Now several more years later I find myself finally figuring myself out..at least I think I am. I have constant thoughts of guys..and I finally admitted to myself in my head that "I think I might actually be gay". I would never let myself really think those words before. I still can't really accept it. There is too much I could loose to accept those words as fact.
I think that decision I made when I was 17 threw my life out of whack. I go over those decisions and think how different things would have been if I did things differently. I know I would have made better choices and I wouldn't have gotten myself into this mess right now..but again hindsight right....
I just need to figure out myself and what I need to do from here on. Admitting my attraction to guys as being nothing more than just fun and free times as a kid is getting harder. Am I really gay..or am I just bored with my life..??? Am I just thinking about the fun times I had with these guys and that's what I'm longing for..that freedom to choose? If that's the case..I'm just being selfish.
This post and the one that follows about your greater appreciation for the nude male body compared to the nude female body make it clear that your attraction to men IS something more than just fun.
ReplyDeleteAttraction does not necessarily equal sexual orientation and it certainly does not equal a lifestyle preference. In other words, just because you appreciate hot guys does not mean you want to live as a gay man.
You need to take things at your own speed. It may take days or years but at some point you should recognize it as a positive that you appreciate good-looking guys. You like to be edgy right? Straight is boring. Value the fact that you have more than one-dimensional sexual tastes.
WHEN you come to appreciate your non-traditional attraction you can stop beating yourself up about it and move on to the next big question: "I think some guys are hot, now what?"
The answer is important to your self-identity. Are you a little bisexual? Completely bisexual? Mostly gay? From what you've said, I don't think you're exclusively gay. My criteria for that is a guy who would never seek out a woman for sex. A gay guy can have sex with a woman and enjoy it but that doesn't make him bisexual. At least I don't think it does. The key element is desire. If you desire women enough to chase them because they are women, then you are definitely more bisexual than gay.
As for the psychological impact of being a rent boy, only you know if that has created some interior demons that need to be addressed. If you're having a hard time getting past the bad memories, you may want to consider therapy.
About 'what-if' questions: I was married at 23 and was immediately resentful. It's taken many years but I have mostly stopped trying to second-guess the past. What's done is done - it's only the future that we can change and that's where we should concentrate our thoughts, on the here and now.
I'm loving your blog. You will soon have many followers. I suggest that you choose a pen name. There's nothing wrong with RGN but "Spike" or whatever will make you a real person, not an acronym. Just don't pick "Rob" - there are already at least 3 other bloggers who go by that name.
Thanks for the advice. I know I am not completely gay..for sure..I enjoy being with women sexually. There is the stronger desire to be close..physically and emotionally with another guy which seems to be over powering my want for a woman. Not sure what that means..daddy issues..??
ReplyDeleteI think this is as close to therapy as I can go for now without causing people to question me. I'll figure it out I'm sure..with yours and others advise. I really need it right now.
One thing..how do I get followers? Is there a secret I don't know about? Thanks again.
Followers take time, two or three months to hit the 20 mark I'd guess. Followers do not equal readers, btw. Daily hits are many multiples of followers. Not many people will comment - a fraction of the followers.
ReplyDeleteThere are three strategies to speed things up:
1. Porn - pictures, links, stories, anything overtly sexual.
2. Introduce yourself to other bloggers, either directly or indirectly. You can email and say, 'I like your blog, I've put you on my public blogroll, I'd appreciate it if you would consider doing the same for me.' Or you can be less direct and add yourself as a follower for their blog, post comments (and include a link to your blog), and just generally be visible. I've got many of the bi/married bloggers covered on my blog roll, except the Mormons, who tend to be cliquish and very focused on how their religion relates to their sexuality. I don't have the bi-married sex bloggers listed, although they are an interesting group. There's a whole set of closeted single bloggers that I indirectly follow and another set of gay single bloggers that I don't read more than I do. As you'd expect, you will attract more hits by being listed on blogs with more followers.
3. Add your blog (for free) to sites like "Best Male Blogs" or "Gay Demon" or "Best Gay/Bi Blogs" - you'll see these sites listed on other blogs. I would wait a month or more before adding those. You will get a big surge of initial hits and you want to somewhat establish yourself before you hold an open house, which is essentially what you're doing when you add those sites.
Rob at the Bi Married Mafia is getting significant outside hits from another source that I am not aware of. Email him and he'll probably be glad to help you.
Also, you need to get stat counter. Waaaaay too much good information for free. Follow the links on other blogs to find it or other similar add-ons.
Damn..there is a lot to this blogging. I have emailed and commented several others already. I will just keep blogging for now. Maybe I will throw a few cock shots up and see what happens. haha.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the advice. Thanks
Hi there, RGN
ReplyDeletePlenty of good advice from TwoLives. What I have is a question: what do you want from your followers? If it's sheer numbers that make you feel good, then porn is almost certainly the way to go - but I think you won't get much out of the blog if it goes that way. If it's to find people who will give you constructive comments here, then the more personal approach of option 2 is probably best. Option 3 might work for either outcome. Of course, you can do all of these, or any combination that you like.
For what it's worth, my approach has been to meander around blog-land, following links from comments and profiles to blogs that look interesting (that's how I got here), and commenting on and following those that take my fancy. But then my motivation is to be helpful, rather than to be helped, and I'm not looking to increase my follower count for its own sake.
Take care
Mark
Mark-I do want followers..but not just to have followers. I want to connect with others with similar issues and also explore my own sexuality.
ReplyDeleteI think I will just be me and not over think it. I will post my thoughts and stories as well as things I find interesting.
Thank you for your advice.
... following ... and not just for cock shots ...
ReplyDeleteare you really gay? or are you bi? when you have sex with a woman do you think of guys?
ReplyDelete