I thought I had come to terms with my sexuality..actually I have thought that SEVERAL times in my past..but apparently it isn't as simple as just "OK, no more of that shit". Everything for the most part in my life has been running smooth with the occasional wrench thrown in to keep things interesting. Lately, however, my mind has been wandering back to guys and sex. I have been very good at self-control for years now. I have not cheated on my wife nor would I want to..but there is this fire inside me that I don't feel I can keep in control anymore. I don't know what I am going to do. I have too much going on right now that this is really fucking with my head.
I'd like to think that I live with no regrets, which is something I have always tried to convince myself of, but in reality I have many. I should not have gotten married again for one...but when it is expected of you to do so..what then? In all reality I did always want to create that family life that I never had when I grew up. The wife, kids, nice house..dog...you know the typical white picket fence deal. For the most part I have accomplished this, even with the set back of my prior marriage..and this one is working out very well. Things seem to be falling into place. The only problem is my constant struggle to keep my attraction to men in check. Now I am regretting getting involved with a woman again..I don't want to hurt her or my kids, but I just don't know if I can keep going like this forever....It's finally eating me up inside..I hate having to lie about past relationships..turning "boyfriends" into "girlfriends" in my conversations and being on constant alert not to let my eyes wander too long on men..among other things. It's all just exahsting..and I am growing tired of all the secrets. I just want to be me..myself with no holding back on my feelings.
I have lived my life for everyone else..making sure my kids had the home life they needed and trying to be the person everyone wanted me to be. However now all I keep thinking is..Do I get a turn to just be myself? .....or am I just being selfish..??
Wow that felt good to unload..ok..I feel a little less crazy now.
Welcome to blogging RGN.
ReplyDeleteJust by writing you may find that you gain a much better understanding of yourself and what you want from life.
It's a process with its own timeline. At this point, the best advice I can give is say - keep on writing and don't hold back. Chances are that you will discover your own answers but there are plenty of us out there in similar situations who are willing to offer bucketfulls of free advice.
I look forward to more posts from you.
Cameron
Thanks Cameron..I appreciate the support.
ReplyDeleteHi there, RGN
ReplyDeleteI've just found your blog, from "Go Left At The Fork". I'm not in your situation, but (courtesy of blog-land) I now know several people who are. You might like to have a look at My Travels Out Of The Closet, by NewLeaf, and too late for regrets, by JSL. They're now at different stages of the journey that I think you're contemplating. Also, NewLeaf's blog has a list of other blogs by gay men in straight marriages, which you might find interesting.
Meanwhile, as TwoLives said, please keep writing. As you found, just writing stuff down can make things clearer for you, even before you get any response.
As for your closing question, I don't think it's selfish for you to want a turn to be yourself. Yes, you have responsibilities to others, particularly your children, but I think it's possible to fulfil them whilst having the life that you want.
Take care
Mark
Thanks for the links Mark. Those blogs look interesting.
ReplyDeleteI will keep writing. It feels great to let everything out.
Hi there, RGN
ReplyDeleteI forgot to say something: I'm sure that both NewLeaf and JSL would be happy to discuss things by e-mail if you want to talk to them. I'm pretty sure that they both have e-mail addresses in their profiles.
Take care
Mark