I didn't have a drink last night..which is a first in a long time. Paul and I went to see a movie and just got coffee and talked. It was good. It's nice just being with someone I don't have to put up walls with.
Still haven't heard from my wife..but we are supposed to meet up on Thursday for our talk. I am not sure where she stands at this point..I am not really sure were I stand either though.. I love her but so much has happened that I don't know how we would ever return to normal. Just the fact that I have come to have a better understanding about my attractions to men has changed everything.
I fell asleep in Paul's bed last night. We didn't have sex. We were just talking. I woke up in the middle of the night with his arms around me. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck and his smell and warmth were surrounding me. I felt so at peace. I don't ever want to let go of that feeling.
What does that mean for my marriage? Do I love Paul? Yes I love him..but I don't think I am in love with him. I feel the same for my wife. I don't think I have been in love with her in a very long time. Can you get something like that back?? Then there is Ryan..I care about him a great deal. I care for all three of them in different ways.
Damn this is too much.
I'm going to let off the drinking..didn't realize how foggy my head was everyday until I woke up feeling more clear today.
Anyway..these are sort of a jumble of thoughts..but this is what is running through my head this morning.
I know how you feel, maybe besides bisexual your are polyamorous? Just throwing it out there. I sometimes feel capable of falling in love with everyone and no one at the same time. I know you love your wife but this may be something that she doesn't want and you both need to do whats best for each other, not for your life together. Then again my life is in a similar situation so take my advice with a grain of salt. Did I just use that saying wrong? I dunno. ;) I hope I helped but I somehow doubt that I did. Ok.. I'm gonna stop typing. XD
ReplyDeleteFind peace with yourself first, then others as it comes?
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today and hoping that all turns out as fantastic as it can.
Sometimes we have to take care of ourselves first and then let life fall as it will.
Daemon