Paul and I had an intense conversation yesterday. He told me that I had really effected his life. He never really got close to anyone after me because of how we ended. I feel like shit for treating him the way I did, but I was 17. Is that an excuse..don't know..but I do know my way of thinking was completely different then as compared to how I am now. I was so afraid to admit how I felt about him that I pushed him away in that asshole teenager way. When I think of the things I said to him..I want to crawl into a hole from the embarrassment. I projected my anger about my own feelings on him. At the time..I "wasn't gay"..and he had started to make me feel like I was with the feeling I had for him..and I didn't want to admit that it was more then just having fun. Man..society fucks with people. Why couldn't I want to be with him? I did..but couldn't imagine how my mom and friends would treat me if I were to be gay. That was the only real reason.
Anyway..we hugged it all out and kissed..but it wasn't in a sexual way. It was more like just needing that closeness for closure. It felt good to clear up all that old shit.
It would be nice to bring him and Ryan into my life more. It should be fairly easy. Paul is an old high school friend and Ryan is a co-worker..so it wouldn't be random or anything. Still debating it though. It would be nice to take some of the fake-ness away.
I am meeting up with Ryan after work so we can be ourselves for a little while. Looking forward to that.
I like the path you are on.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of the loose ends and self realization that was being discovered as my teen years drew to a close.
Mending fences, finding forgiveness from myself and others for past decisions. I think that all the fractured elements of your highly compartmentalized life are being knit together into the guy you see in the mirror and the true self you are living to others.
I wish you clarity, peace and authenticity as it all comes together. Do not wish and idle away the now while bemoaning your past.
Be present.
Live now.
Be today.
Daemon
Hi, I've found your blog, surfing on the internet, and I like your posts... from Now I'll follow yor blog....By the way I'm from Perú
ReplyDelete