Hey guys..been busy at work the past few days.
Things have been calming down on the home front. My wife and I had a good talk the other night..no I didn't come out or anything..almost did but she was too upset. Didn't want to send her over the edge..you know. Anyway..we have been getting along like we used to and it's been nice to have her back.
This has thrown me into a state of contentment for the moment. I want to focus on getting myself completely centered again before I make any rash decisions about my future..I've done that too often leading me to the situation I am in currently..so best not to have history repeat.
It will happen..I know. That fear inside is getting lesser by the day. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I've found there are others like me..but I have been way more in control of myself again. I think the arguments with my wife and the guilt about Ryan had been fucking with my head. I have decided not to let myself dwell on shit and straiten the fuck up.
All I know is that the confusion about why I had these feelings for men are gone. I had a light bulb moment..an epiphany..whatever you want to call it.. Now I know I am just another guy who happens to like both men and women..it doesn't make me weird or a monster..it's normal to a degree. This has been the big eye opener. I always had felt weird and alone..not anymore.
Ryan and I have been good boys..no sex. I told him that I felt bad enough about keeping secrets from everyone all these years that I don't need to add cheating to the mix. He understands..but of course said with a big cheesy grin "I'm available for when you change your mind". Damn..he's an ass..but in a good way.
Paul called me yesterday and left a message. I haven't brought myself to call him back yet. I have an email written to him about my world and everything that has happened since I last saw him..but I can't seem to get myself to send it. I'm trying to figure out why that is. We have a lot of history..maybe I just don't want another emotional attachment out there.. We could never keep our hands off each other when were younger..and all those feelings seem to still be there after our little run in. At this point I can't risk another Ryan on my hands.
Ok..well that's it for now. I need to be getting back to my non-secret life.
Have a great weekend guys..be back Tuesday.
I make decisions like a tortoise sometimes so it's easy for me to say "take your time." But seriously, take as much time as you need.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure why sending Paul an email is making an emotional attachment. You must have included a lot of personal stuff? Set the email aside for a few days and then come back to it. The break should help clear your mind. Maybe a shorter, less personal email would be better? You should definitely answer him, however. By answering, you demonstrate confidence in yourself that you have some self-control. I think that's part of the re-centering process - getting back to a place where you feel that you are in control.
What did this mean? "It will happen..I know. That fear inside is getting lesser by the day."
Have a great weekend Christian!
Trying to follow how exactly this is gonna end. Have you tried to project out a couple of months or years? If you can see the future, why not opt for it today. A pat on your back for being a 'good' boy, but is that because you withheld what you really wanted to do? How long does that last and what is the ultimate resolution? Time answers all questions.
ReplyDeleteTwoLives-
ReplyDeleteYes I am taking my time on this..it isn't an easy decision and I have made too many rash decisions in my life that I need time to make sure I an seeing all angles on this.
Now Paul and I were at one point extremely close..we knew everything about each other and if there would have been a guy I could see myself spending my life with..it would be him. The email had plenty of personal shit..we left off kinda bad and I needed to explain a few things to him. I sent the email..I will post about it.
"It will happen.."..was about telling my secret to my wife and everyone. I can actually see myself doing it now..as opposed to before..I would go into cold sweats with just the thought.
Chris-
There are too many variables to really project out what could happen. I do have a responsibility to my kids and I do not in any way hate my wife..so this has to be done smart and very thought out.