Ryan and I had sex again.
What's happening to me?? I was so in control of myself and now I am on the fast road to hell. Well..ok maybe it isn't quite that dramatic but it feels that way.
My dilemma at this point is.. Do I cut off contact with these guys and go back to my "straight" life and not look back(again)..just keeping this shit bottled up inside until I explode?(again) ..or just go with it and start cheating and getting my frustrations out on the side. Divorce at this point is NOT an option..although it has come up in a few recent arguments with my wife..so I guess you never know.
I feel guilty..but yet I don't all at the same time. That part of me that does not fell guilty is new..I was never so callus before. Maybe it's from being mentally exhausted with the whole situation? Don't know. I just know that I am leaning toward the later of my two choices..and I'm going to just let things happen.
Ryan just walked by my office with a devilish grin on his face..asshole..why does he have to be so hot and smell so good..fuck he is driving me crazy.
Do you feel out of control, or no?
ReplyDeleteIf you feel out of control that's the clue that tells you that you need to put things on hold and figure out where you are. If not, day by day works fine.
I'm in favor of honesty, fidelity and monogamy...all that good stuff. But really, I don't know how anyone can understand their complex sexual identity unless they experiment. If you don't feel guilty experimenting, good. If you do feel guilty, give yourself a break. Bottling it all up is only a short-term solution. At some point you've got to experiment - that's the only way you're going to eventually find a happy, stable place in life.
I don't really feel out of control..which is weird. I feel I am loosing my emotional control over guys..but at the same time feel more in control about everything in general.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure actually..it's all very odd.