I had a great weekend. Ended up mostly doing things with my family. It was good. No jail time..but good. haha Not as exciting as I would have hoped..but fun none the less.
I think my fucked up mental state is passing to a certain degree. Even though I have this secret, I feel that mentally everything is falling into place. My anger and resentment that I have carried around with me my entire life is less and I seem to be able to cope with this shit way better then ever. I am attributing this calming to my blog and other blogs I've been reading. It feels good to know that I am not the only fucker out there with these issues..I finally feel somewhat normal I think. I'm just different..
I'm crossing my fingers that this ability to cope lasts..I'm sure there will be a peak and then a downfall to some degree..like everything else in life. I still have a lot to work out. I have strong feeling for Ryan and Paul and that will not change or just go away. My attraction to men will always be part of me and it will eventually lead me to make a huge decision about my marriage. I think I am getting there. Like I have said before..I am not as afraid as I used to be. I can actually think the words I would say to my wife without feeling like I am going to break down into a fear induced cold sweat.
I don't think I will ever completely understand myself but I am enjoying the challenge of figuring it all out. I feel stronger loosing my "control". Confidence I never had before is coming to the surface..and I like this feeling. I am definitely becoming more myself.
Sounds like good progress to me.
ReplyDeleteAcceptance, I think, is the key to it all.
ReplyDeleteIt gives you back a lot of control because you're not in a sexual or emotional frenzy or panic anymore. You feel calm. You can think rationally. And usually you don't feel pressured to make any quick decisions.
As long as you don't start an intense affair right now, I don't think you're going to see much of a back-slide. The more time you allow yourself to think, the more confident and clear-headed you will be.
Great Cameron..now that you say that..I am doomed to have an unimaginable intense affair with lots of sexual and emotional frenzy.....hhmmm...sounds fun.. haha
ReplyDelete