My Kids part 2

I had such a great night with my kids. I picked them up and took them to play miniature golf. It was hilarious. It's something we hadn't done before. I was happy and playful with them..which I am usually..just not this relaxed with it all. I think they sensed the difference too.

Paul met up with us later in the evening and had pizza with us. I wanted to get a feel of how things would be if I was single and with a guy..thought why not. The kids liked him a lot. It wasn't as weird as I thought it would be..but then I feel safe with Paul so that might have been why it felt ok.

The huge bad point with the whole evening was dropping them off. The kids were upset that I wasn't staying..that was really upsetting. Also my wife was all dolled up like she had been out. That pissed me off a little..but really..can I be pissed off at her after the shit I have done? She said she just went to have a few drinks with one of her girlfriends. It still angers me though. I know she was either messing with me or trying to show my what I would be missing. She really did look hot. I actually forgot all about men when I saw her. She was always the only girl that was able to do that to me.

My Kids

First of all I wanted to write and say thanks to all you guys. I have read all your emails and comments and I really am taking all your thoughts and suggestions into consideration. I'm sorry I am not able to respond to each one. I will keep you all updated though.


My wife called a little while ago..making it clear she didn't want to talk yet..but she asked if I wanted to come by and pick up the kids and spend time with them tonight. I haven't seen them since over the weekend. I miss them a lot.

Those kids are definitely worth me keeping my secret. I don't ever want them to hurt because of my own selfishness. However..my thoughts turn to..am I the best father that I can be with all this turmoil inside me..no..I know that for a fact.

Would me being free to be myself be better for my kids in the long run??

That's the big question of my life right now.

Morning Thoughts

I didn't have a drink last night..which is a first in a long time. Paul and I went to see a movie and just got coffee and talked. It was good. It's nice just being with someone I don't have to put up walls with.

Still haven't heard from my wife..but we are supposed to meet up on Thursday for our talk. I am not sure where she stands at this point..I am not really sure were I stand either though.. I love her but so much has happened that I don't know how we would ever return to normal. Just the fact that I have come to have a better understanding about my attractions to men has changed everything.

I fell asleep in Paul's bed last night. We didn't have sex. We were just talking. I woke up in the middle of the night with his arms around me. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck and his smell and warmth were surrounding me. I felt so at peace. I don't ever want to let go of that feeling.

What does that mean for my marriage? Do I love Paul? Yes I love him..but I don't think I am in love with him. I feel the same for my wife. I don't think I have been in love with her in a very long time. Can you get something like that back?? Then there is Ryan..I care about him a great deal. I care for all three of them in different ways.

Damn this is too much.

I'm going to let off the drinking..didn't realize how foggy my head was everyday until I woke up feeling more clear today.


Anyway..these are sort of a jumble of thoughts..but this is what is running through my head this morning.

Taking a break

Ok. Things were not as dire as I expected them to be. Well maybe a little.. I didn't say anything to my wife about my attractions to men..but we did have a long talk about our lives. We decided to take a short break from each other. Everything that happened last week was a final straw for her. She says she still loves me..but that she can't take my mood swings anymore. I can't blame her. I wouldn't want to live with me either. I should have just told her that I agree that we should separate and I have something I need to tell you and let it all out..but I couldn't. I still have kids to think about and I still can't imagine her hating me. I can't even imagine not being married to her.

I am staying at Paul's for right now. Not sure if that's the best decision but it's the only option for now. Told her that he is an old friend that I ran into and he has an extra room and all so it worked out. She wants to meet later in the week..just us and talk.

Paul has been great. He apologized for taking advantage for my drunken state..but he was drunk too..so neither of us is really more responsible then the other. He has been very respectful of the situation and hasn't made any moves..even with us getting trashed yesterday..or I should say me getting trashed.

Oh well. I know this will all work itself out into whatever situation it's meant to. I sent her a text this morning telling her that I love her,,but she never responded. That hurts. I just need to give her the space she needs right now.

It's crazy how everything can change so much in a short period of time. Didn't see this coming.

Fuck.

Well..I don't know what to say. Here I was finding answers and my place and I go and fuck everything up again. I seem to be really good at that.

I was not good the past few days. I let Ryan give me a BJ in the restroom at work yesterday afternoon. He was just so persistent and looked really fucking hot. It was meant to be just me teasing him a little..but it went too far. Oh well.. That's not all though..

The wife and I had a huge fight last night and well..things were broken and things were said..and I left. I stormed out..drove around and ended up calling Paul..

Got shit faced drunk at his place..spilling all my horrible shit out for him to hear. Then I slept with him..like complete hard core sex....then again this morning.

Shit.

How did this happen?

Told my wife that I just ended up driving around..then went over to a friends house to crash.

That's the last lie.

Now I think is a good time for us to have a talk.

How it started..

Ok..I wasn't going to write about these yet, but I started typing and couldn't stop. So here is the first story in the still untitled series of posts about my whoring days.

It all started when I was 17 and about to finish high school. I was fooling around with this guy I had met and, after some discussion about lack of funds on my part, he told me about his job as a "masseuse". I was a little weirded out at first..but after hearing how much he was paid..I was interested. The next day he introduced me to Dave who was the guy in charge and I had my first job that same night. It was a 70/30 split with me starting out getting $100 per hour/per guy and up from there depending on my demand. Sounded reasonable..hell the thought of getting 70 bucks just to have sex was an amazing idea!

I was later given instructions to meet this guy at his hotel room that night. The guy was apparently a regular and excited to get "new meat". haha This made me nervous as fuck..but I was in and not going to look back. What I expected was a disgusting guy who couldn't get laid, staying in a gross hotel room..but turned out not to be the case. The hotel he was staying at was slightly above average and clean. I felt way better after seeing that. He was a fairly standard looking married business man who called upon Dave to provide him with some "company" whenever he was in town..which was often.

He offered me a drink and gave me a robe..asking me to remove my clothes. I just agreed..not knowing what to say. I downed the drink quickly..hoping it would calm my nerves and keep my hands from visibly shaking. He sat on the bed watching me get undressed like a lion watching his prey..a little unnerving..but not unexpected. There was some small talk..nothing memorable. He did ask me my age..which I lied and said 19..but he liked the answer. Next he wanted me to shower with him. I said sure..and I spent the next 20 minutes getting washed up by this guy. It was an interesting experience to say the least. After the shower we went back into the bedroom and I was offered another drink..which I eagerly knocked down..while he proceeded to inhale my cock and work it like a pro. I then returned the favor until his completion. After, we just sat on the bed with him sitting behind me while he slowly rubbed his hands all over me and asking me what all I liked so we can try them next time. All I could think was, "Am I really going to get paid for this?". I started getting excited again and he helped me finish off a second time..for which he was super thrilled about.

After the hour was up..I got dressed and he handed me $100. I had to hold back a laugh..since it still didn't register that I got paid to have sex with him.

It was all very simple..compared to my expectations. It wasn't anything I hadn't done already and I was thinking..this will work out fine. I met up with Dave later and gave him his portion and it was go from there.

That wasn't the last time a met up with that guy..but he was pretty tame compared to some future clients..which I will write more about later.


I can tell it's going to be good for me to unload these stories. I've never spoken about these experiences before..there are good and bad ones. Thankfully more good than bad. I had grown to look at these memories as a negative part of my life..but I will try and put the positive me outlook on them and make this as fun as possible. I need to accept my past, even the regrets, and learn from them as best I can.

Then again who doesn't want to hear about other people sexual experiences right? haha

suggestions please..

I am contemplating on becoming a complete male whore again.

Not sure it would work out in my life right now though...so instead I think I will relive some of my whoring around from the past in a series of posts detailing some of my experiences.

I'm trying to think of something clever to call it..'something' chronicles..is all I can think of.

..any suggestions?

Coffee with the Professor

The professor(William) and I talked for a while the other day and he invited me over to his place so we could get to know each other better. I was tempted..but I decided not to be a complete whore and suggest us first meeting for coffee and getting to know each other better. After all I don't need to add another indiscretion to my increasingly muddled record.

We met up and it turned into us laughing most of the time..especially about my "come on" last week. He called it creatively bold. He said he was surprised and a little embarrassed that I had noticed him looking at me during his lectures. I told him it wasn't that obvious and I just wanted to take a chance and see what would happen..since it isn't something I normally do. Oh and by the way..he is much less nerdy outside of class. He showed up looking kinda hot. Upon seeing him..I wanted to tell him that maybe we should go back to his place after all...but I was a good boy and didn't. If only I didn't have a conscience...

He told me he is gay and has dated a few different men off and on..but not open about his sexuality because of his family. He was engaged for several years to a women but he called it off because he came to the realization that he liked men and couldn't lie about who he was. I wish I could have figured myself out before I got in deep. Oh well..at least I am now right..?

Anyway..it was fun. We seemed to touch each other a lot. I've never been too comfortable with the whole touchy-feely types, but I do like it and he wasn't weird about it so it turned out ok. There were several playful shoulder punches when I referenced him fooling around with male students in exchange for good grades. I wanted to know what kind of action would be required for what grade..

Hand Job = C
Blow Job = B
Bareback Anal = a definite A

He couldn't stop laughing at that one. He insists that he has never handed out his number like he did with me. He was super turned on with the whole thing and was surprised by his own forwardness.

It was very comfortable talking with him. I am liking this new found confidence I am developing. It felt good to not have to edit everything I said. Also, I have never had these types of male relationships before. In the past I would..to a certain extent..just tell a guy what they wanted to hear in order to get down to the nitty gritty sex. The only exception was Paul..but even then..I looked for the sex above everything else. This openness with other guys is interesting. I thought it was just Ryan..but William turns out to be very similar. Easy to talk to and real.

Damn I want to fool around with him....

Class will be very different now.

Ryan and I

Like I wrote last week..my wife went out with some girlfriends and Ryan came over to my place to hang and have some beers. We were both a little awkward at first, but that went away fairly quickly. It was an interesting experience. He really got to see me in my married world..he said he is way more into me now that he saw me with my kids. I think I understand that..but that means he is REALLY into me..I don't know how that will work out just now. I'm not against it though..it is hard not to be close to him.

It was weird how comfortable it all was. We ended up making out for a while on the couch after the kids were in bed. ..oh so bad..I know..but it just happened. Well..I know why it happened. I told him about my history with Paul and he seemed to get a little insecure. ..so me being the one to always please..let us get a little more close then I would have preferred being that we were in my home. He is not pressing the sex issue too much though..other then his usual innuendos..I like that about him. Makes me trust him even more.

I'm a little worried that he is getting too close too fast though..I am trying to balance the relationship but I don't want to push him away. I can kind of feel a Paul repeat happening..instead this time I'm married and not just looking to fuck around. I really don't want anything to mess things up.

How do I keep him as a friend if he seems to want to get closer..? I'm afraid to bring anything up would cause tension.

Advice?

Blending of worlds

My wife is going out tonight so I told her a friend of mine from work(Ryan) might stop by for a few beers. Here goes the blending of my separate worlds..let's see how this will turn out. I think it'll be fine..Ryan's a good guy. I have had plenty of practice with him at "just being buddies" since we work together, but it will still be interesting to see him around in my "normal" life.

Paul would be another thing all together. If you saw us together you would be able to see that there is a connection. It would be hard for either of us to shut that off. It's best that I not bring him around right now.

Oh and this afternoon I did leave a message for the professor to give me a call. We'll see how that goes. I'm sort of obsessed about figuring him out.

That's it for now..just a short update.

Have a great weekend guys!

Me being adventurous..or bad?

Have you ever had a sexual dream about someone you know but never thought of in a sexual way..then couldn't look at them the same again? Just the sight of them made you a little horny..

Well I had one about one of my professors this past weekend and when I was in class a few days ago I got a crazy idea to openly flirt with him and see what happened..bad me huh..couldn't help it though. For one I was feeling dangerous and horny and I really wanted to figure out this gaydar shit since I've been noticing him looking at me more than not while he does his lectures..(probably why I had this dream)..but it started me thinking. Am I noticing an interest? ..or is this nothing but my imagination?

He is maybe 36..descent looking and good body. A little on the nerdy side..but he would only need a little fixing up to make him hot. I figure what could it hurt to see what he would do if I came on to him.. Shit I know..I'm married what am I thinking..but it was too exciting a thought to pass up. I was just going to blatantly come on to him and see how he reacted. What's the harm with a little flirting..right? It's not like we run in the same circles or anything.

After class I waited..fiddling around on my phone until everyone left. I went to his desk and asked him about some project information I "needed"..he started going through some files in his briefcase and desk..but wouldn't really look at me. He seemed nervous..I was thinking..good sign?..I get nervous when I am around a guy I liked.

..so I took a deep breath and took a step closer to him and asked if I can help. He looked at me and the too close proximity and just gave me a questioning look. I just smiled and subtly let my eyes drop down over his body then back up at his eyes again. He stammered something like..no I have it. I was so fucking nervous myself..I thought my heart has going to beat out of my chest. He took a small step back and started explaining some things about the packet he had on the desk. I then stepped forward, regaining the distance and leaned over what he was showing me on the desk letting my arm press against his. I didn't hear anything he was saying..just the "Holy shit! Are you really doing this!" in my head. He stopped talking and looked at me. I just kept a somewhat blank look on my face with an innocent smile and stood there..

Then he says.."What are you doing?" I just looked at him with raised eyebrows and innocently smiled saying "not sure". Shit I was so close to him, I could have just tilted my head a little and kissed him. He makes a comment about me being in his personal space but then proceeds to look me up and down and smile shaking his head. He took a step over and wrote down his personal phone number and handed it to me and said to call him anytime..then says if I had any questions about the class email him. To me meaning his phone number was obviously for non-class related use. He handed me the paperwork and reached out his hand to shake and said he will look forward to my call. Then I left..feeling like a stupid kid and wanting to run and laugh.

That was intense for me. I used to be pretty forceful back in the day..but I usually let others come on to me first. Never have I been the one to initiate anything like that with a guy. I think if I got comfortable picking up guys..uhh..things would get insane with cum flying everywhere..haha.

I'll probably call him just to see what he says..but I don't want to start up anything. It was such a fucking adrenaline rush..I couldn't help but try it.

I really feel this dark cloud that has been hovering over me my entire life is lifting..feels great!

Saw Paul again

Paul and I had an intense conversation yesterday. He told me that I had really effected his life. He never really got close to anyone after me because of how we ended. I feel like shit for treating him the way I did, but I was 17. Is that an excuse..don't know..but I do know my way of thinking was completely different then as compared to how I am now. I was so afraid to admit how I felt about him that I pushed him away in that asshole teenager way. When I think of the things I said to him..I want to crawl into a hole from the embarrassment. I projected my anger about my own feelings on him. At the time..I "wasn't gay"..and he had started to make me feel like I was with the feeling I had for him..and I didn't want to admit that it was more then just having fun. Man..society fucks with people. Why couldn't I want to be with him? I did..but couldn't imagine how my mom and friends would treat me if I were to be gay. That was the only real reason.

Anyway..we hugged it all out and kissed..but it wasn't in a sexual way. It was more like just needing that closeness for closure. It felt good to clear up all that old shit.

It would be nice to bring him and Ryan into my life more. It should be fairly easy. Paul is an old high school friend and Ryan is a co-worker..so it wouldn't be random or anything. Still debating it though. It would be nice to take some of the fake-ness away.

I am meeting up with Ryan after work so we can be ourselves for a little while. Looking forward to that.

Good weekend..more thoughts

I had a great weekend. Ended up mostly doing things with my family. It was good. No jail time..but good. haha Not as exciting as I would have hoped..but fun none the less.

I think my fucked up mental state is passing to a certain degree. Even though I have this secret, I feel that mentally everything is falling into place. My anger and resentment that I have carried around with me my entire life is less and I seem to be able to cope with this shit way better then ever. I am attributing this calming to my blog and other blogs I've been reading. It feels good to know that I am not the only fucker out there with these issues..I finally feel somewhat normal I think. I'm just different..

I'm crossing my fingers that this ability to cope lasts..I'm sure there will be a peak and then a downfall to some degree..like everything else in life. I still have a lot to work out. I have strong feeling for Ryan and Paul and that will not change or just go away. My attraction to men will always be part of me and it will eventually lead me to make a huge decision about my marriage. I think I am getting there. Like I have said before..I am not as afraid as I used to be. I can actually think the words I would say to my wife without feeling like I am going to break down into a fear induced cold sweat.

I don't think I will ever completely understand myself but I am enjoying the challenge of figuring it all out. I feel stronger loosing my "control". Confidence I never had before is coming to the surface..and I like this feeling. I am definitely becoming more myself.

More about Ryan

Ryan and I..despite me trying to keep him at a distance..have been getting closer. There is something about this kid that I can't stop thinking about. It's his personality I like..he is flirty and always has a witty remark. Not over the top..just low key funny. He makes me laugh. He reminds me how I was before life got it's hold on me. I am not by any means a grouchy prude..but my spontaneous fun isn't what it used to be. Too many demons I guess..

He is almost the exact opposite of Paul in many ways. Paul is more to the point and can be too serious at times..but not overly so. Paul knows how to have fun..just when it's appropriate.

Ryan on the other hand is more willing to let loose..he isn't a joker or annoying with his humor though..he is a clever funny. A lot of dead pan humor. Sometimes I can't believe some of the shit that come out of his mouth.

He definitely has my attention...but I hope I am not becoming overly attached to him. It doesn't help that I work with him and see him practically everyday. ..but who cares really..we get along great and I enjoy being around him. No crime in that.

In all reality I think he is helping to remind me how to just relax again. I'm too much in my fucking head and not enjoying life around me. I need to let that crazy guy out that I used to be. I'm going to let loose this weekend..maybe get into some trouble like the old days..haha.

My Other Passion

Besides music and sex..my other love is hot clothes and the people who wear them. I love clothing basically..maybe my gay side coming out..? Don't think so..I just love dressing well and like others who enjoy the same. It's my little pleasure in life to go out and search for fun things to wear..it's become an addiction.

Just thought I would share a little more of my personality..besides my deep dark sexual frustrations.....

Lunch with Paul

So I sent that email to Paul..and we met up yesterday to talk about things.

First of all..here is a little back story on Paul and I.

We met in 9th grade..one of those first day-first class-first person to sit next to sort of things. We became fast friends and were pretty much inseparable for years. We always just seemed to get each other..to the point were we knew what each other were thinking. He was the more serious type and I was the looking to have fun type..but it seemed to be a good match up. Anyway..we starting "experimenting" and our friendship went to a whole other level. It was a good time in my life..very fond memories of him and us. But..me being in denial..killed everything. He wanted to become serious..I just wanted to have fun and fool around with other people. Things started to deteriorate after that..and by the end of high school..we didn't speak much. Our last conversation turned into a fight and we said some hurtful things to each other. That ended the friendship completely at that point. He went off to college..I went off to let my life spiral into chaos.

I feel guilty and stupid for pushing him away and letting our relationship end the way it did. He is the big 'What If' in my life. What if I had been more aware of myself back then and decided to be with him. He tried..even wanted me to go off to college with him and everything..but I tuned him out..didn't want to admit that I had feelings for him. I missed him so much when he left but was to stubborn to try and contact him. Then I started my "dating" and so on from there..

It's one of those bullshit..love lost..stories right? I can't dwell on it though..need to push forward.

So..we met up yesterday and had a good long chat. He said he was looking forward to meeting up since we ran into each other. He was glad that I emailed him and cleared everything up. I explained to him where I was mentally back then and how much things have changed in my life..where I am at now and the recent shit going on. Told him about Ryan and my confusion and how I am dealing with it and trying to figure myself out..finally. He understood..he went through his own turmoil. He was in several relationships over the years..was married for a short period..but now he is exclusively dating guys..but not in a relationship currently. He is very focused and sure of himself now..I envy that. We still have that connection too..it's weird..it's like we were never apart. Damn it was awesome seeing him again.

..funny how you worry about something and then it ends up happening completely different from what you imagine. I didn't expect everything to go so smooth. I expected to not be able to control my feelings for him and end up sleeping with him or something. I am definitely getting my self control back..or is that confidence I'm feeling...??

Little bit of everything..

Hey guys..been busy at work the past few days.

Things have been calming down on the home front. My wife and I had a good talk the other night..no I didn't come out or anything..almost did but she was too upset. Didn't want to send her over the edge..you know. Anyway..we have been getting along like we used to and it's been nice to have her back.

This has thrown me into a state of contentment for the moment. I want to focus on getting myself completely centered again before I make any rash decisions about my future..I've done that too often leading me to the situation I am in currently..so best not to have history repeat.

It will happen..I know. That fear inside is getting lesser by the day. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I've found there are others like me..but I have been way more in control of myself again. I think the arguments with my wife and the guilt about Ryan had been fucking with my head. I have decided not to let myself dwell on shit and straiten the fuck up.

All I know is that the confusion about why I had these feelings for men are gone. I had a light bulb moment..an epiphany..whatever you want to call it.. Now I know I am just another guy who happens to like both men and women..it doesn't make me weird or a monster..it's normal to a degree. This has been the big eye opener. I always had felt weird and alone..not anymore.


Ryan and I have been good boys..no sex. I told him that I felt bad enough about keeping secrets from everyone all these years that I don't need to add cheating to the mix. He understands..but of course said with a big cheesy grin "I'm available for when you change your mind". Damn..he's an ass..but in a good way.

Paul called me yesterday and left a message. I haven't brought myself to call him back yet. I have an email written to him about my world and everything that has happened since I last saw him..but I can't seem to get myself to send it. I'm trying to figure out why that is. We have a lot of history..maybe I just don't want another emotional attachment out there.. We could never keep our hands off each other when were younger..and all those feelings seem to still be there after our little run in. At this point I can't risk another Ryan on my hands.

Ok..well that's it for now. I need to be getting back to my non-secret life.
Have a great weekend guys..be back Tuesday.

Random Topic

I still can't believe as a society we still live with the idea that being bisexual or gay is taboo..I think that any intellegent person can see that it is completly normal and everything isn't just black and white.

I even think we should abandon distinctions between the sexual preferences completly. It's ok to fall for or just be attracted to anyone regardless of gender. I guarantee the majority of the population has some attractions to their same sex to varying degrees..therefore it is not unnatural.

I guess it is gradually happening..but shit..let's get going.