Starting to understand more..

I have really been digging deep the past few days trying to figure out why my view point on life has been changing so drastically.

I realized that it kicked into high gear shortly after a friend of mine passed away in early July. Years ago we had been close..we hung out all the time and just had fun..close friends that's all. We got along great but then he went through some hard times and never recovered..started abusing pain pills and alcohol..which led to his heart giving out..he was only a few years older than me.

I tried to keep in contact but he moved in with his parents and pretty much became a recluse. I called and stopped by but his parents were enablers and wouldn't let anyone see him. It was frustrating that I couldn't do anything to help.

Shortly after his funeral I started to have my own slight breakdown. I had a lot of shit going on in my life at the time..still do..but I didn't connect any of it to his death until now. It really affected me on a deep level. I don't want to die leaving all these unanswered questions.

I have always blocked out the emotional side of myself in an attempt to hide. I always put up walls..stayed in control..only aloud people to see what I wanted them to see. I seem to not be able to do that to the same extent anymore..and I don't mind. I want to be more myself and not this fake person that I wanted everyone to think I was. What does all this mean to my marriage? ..I don't know. I still have a lot to figure out.

Maybe I'm not as crazy as I thought..still fucked up..but not as crazy.

Josh update..

Oh..and a Josh update.

Ran into him this weekend after not getting a response to my messages and he acted like an arrogate ass. I can understand I guess..he did just drunkenly make a pass at me then proceed to cry all over me as well. He probably feels embarrassed and feels the need to macho it up.

Oh well..I will give him space and see if our friendship can withstand this.

Guy at the bar

This weekend my wife and I went out with another married couple for drinks at a local dive bar. I has glad..I needed to get shit faced after committing to "just be friends" with Ryan and then having sex with him again. Talk about weak willed..shit.

I was looking to get drunk and get my mind off of all guys. Of course it didn't exactly go as planned..as I walked in I made eye contact with this guy across the bar and an eye contact flirt session ensued for several hours. He was about mid to late thirties..short dark hair..a little rugged like he had been working outside all day..and good looking. I did try to not look at him..but every time I glanced over he was watching me. I don't get too many blatant situations like this..or maybe I just never paid too much attention before..but I was really enjoying it and started to look at him as much as I could.

So..after several drinks I got up to pee. I was standing at the urinal and who shows up next to me? Yup..hot bar guy. He didn't hide the fact that he was checking me out..eyeing me up and down making a point to linger on my dick which was out in full view from his perspective. I did the same to him as he relieved himself. It was an interesting experience. I never blatantly watched a guy pee before at a urinal. I have always been the type of guy that looked straight ahead when another guy stood next to me..mostly so my lust for cock wouldn't be triggered. This time however I just went for it. It was fun.

I finished up after we both stood there way past the final shake off point and went over to the sinks. We introduced ourselves and started some small talk..then he gave me his number and told me I should call him sometime while lightly running his hand down my arm. This was weird. It was a little too intimate and the look he gave me while doing it was..creepy. It just threw it into the odd category for me. I don't know exactly what it was. All I know it that for me it just screamed..ass rape then chopped up and put in a bag and buried somewhere..that's the way it made me feel anyway. Way too similar to a bad experience I had when I was younger on a "date".

Again though I was confused as to why this guy just came on to me to forcefully..but then I realized that in the past I would never have been flirting back with the guy as much as I was when sitting at the bar. Of course he would think I was interested. Hence following me into the bathroom in an attempt at a pick up.

I am really starting to throw myself out there too much and it is concerning me. I definitely need to watch myself more and pull it back..too much at risk to get carried away.

Journey to hell..

Ryan and I had sex again.

What's happening to me?? I was so in control of myself and now I am on the fast road to hell. Well..ok maybe it isn't quite that dramatic but it feels that way.

My dilemma at this point is.. Do I cut off contact with these guys and go back to my "straight" life and not look back(again)..just keeping this shit bottled up inside until I explode?(again) ..or just go with it and start cheating and getting my frustrations out on the side. Divorce at this point is NOT an option..although it has come up in a few recent arguments with my wife..so I guess you never know.

I feel guilty..but yet I don't all at the same time. That part of me that does not fell guilty is new..I was never so callus before. Maybe it's from being mentally exhausted with the whole situation? Don't know. I just know that I am leaning toward the later of my two choices..and I'm going to just let things happen.


Ryan just walked by my office with a devilish grin on his face..asshole..why does he have to be so hot and smell so good..fuck he is driving me crazy.

Random Music

Lisztomania by Phoenix

Paul

..and then there is Paul. This is a total fluke and is what makes me think that something quite possibly is fucking with me..

I'm out picking up a few things since I'm doing some repairs on my house and I turn down an isle and there standing in front of me is Paul..a really close "friend" of mine from childhood. I hadn't spoken to him in about 12 years..and there he was.

Paul was the first guy I fooled around with. Last I heard he went out of state to college. I couldn't believe with all the shit lately that I would run into him of all people.

He turned and looked over and seemed just as surprised to see me. We both smiled and started talking..turns out he moved back a few years ago and then just recently into the area I live in. We gave each other a quick update on each others lives and got each others info to meet up sometime.

I just have to say that to run into him right now is extremely coincidental..with everything else that is going on in my life. I don't believe in coincidences. There is a reason for everything..just need to figure out what this means. I'm looking forward to meeting up with him.

Crazy..

Ok. I am done posting for the day..need to get some shit done.

Ryan

Ok this next thing has thrown me into a weird state of mind.

Yesterday morning Ryan and I had agreed to meet for coffee before we went into work. It was nice and I enjoyed it..felt good to sort let my true self out. We checked a few guys out and gave each other knowing looks and all that. Just having a good morning talking and reading the paper.

Then he leans in a says that he has never stopped thinking about me and when he saw me at work that first time..he was excited and nervous to see me. Then he tells me the big one..these were his words.."I think I can easily fall in love with you..I maybe have a little already". What the fuck..is all I could think. I just stared at him and he smiled and leaned back looking at his paper.

I couldn't believe he had just said that. Here I am trying to create a friendship with him and he tells me he could be falling in love with me? Don't get me wrong..I liked hearing that, but then again I didn't. It puts way too much pressure on me. I mean..I go from being a "normal" married guy to all of a sudden having guys making passes and confessing their love for me..this one is throwing me off because I think I do want to be with him too. On one hand I'm thinking "Yes, I think I can fall for you too..lets leave our families and be together" and then the other more rational side of me is thinking "Are you fucking crazy..don't tell me this shit..do you think I'm going to just throw away my life which I have struggled to build for some dude?!"

I had to just let it go..and chalk it up to just a comment during a really nice morning with a close friend..I guess. I can't think of it in any other way for now.

Shit..I'm starting to feel like I'm in a soap opera or some weird movie with all this.

Josh

I officially think something IS fucking with me.. Let me tell you all what events that went down the last couple days. There will be several parts to this..

I met up with my friend Josh for a few drinks at his place after class Tuesday night. He was the topic of one of my prior posts..anyway he was well ahead of me in the getting drunk phase. We start talking while I tried to catch up and he starts to unload some issues on me..now this isn't too out of the ordinary for him. Josh is somewhat of an emotional type..you know the one that hugs everyone upon meeting..you sort of feel like you want to watch out for the guy. This time the conversation turned to some heavy shit about life-career-marriage.

Anyway..he starts telling me all his marital problems and that he thinks he is about to get divorced and how he doesn't know what he is going to do and all that typical drunk blubbering shit.

Well as the good friend..I listened and tried to throw out some advice here and there. I didn't mind it all since I love watching him talk..he has one of the most sexiest mouths I've ever seen.

He had gotten up and was pacing around and getting bit animated and.. then it got interesting.

He came plopping down right next to me on the couch and put his hand on my thigh and squeezed..way to close to my crotch to be just nothing. I just looked at him and he looked at me in silence for a minute then he leaned in a little..I was sort of taken by surprise so I pulled back a little. He looked away and got up abruptly and said he thought he had too much to drink and needed to crash. I just looked at him..but he wouldn't make eye contact. All I could think was "Fuck..now what do I do". If only I could just tell him about me..right? He seemed to be getting more upset..so I got up and hugged him..like I said..he hugs everyone so this wasn't out of the ordinary. However this time he just broke down..saying he was sorry and he didn't know what he was doing. I just said it was ok and don't stress about it. Then I guided him to his room and told him I would call.

Could it really be that my attraction to him is a mutual thing..or just drunk insecurities coming out on his part? Now we all know..I would have loved to have fucked his brains out..but I couldn't especially while he was in that state and well..I'm trying to stay true to my marriage and all. Which I am finding harder by the day..

So..I texted him yesterday and he didn't respond. I called and left him a message that we need to go hang this weekend..that it would be good for both of us.

Also..isn't it ME that's supposed to be pulling this crap on guys..not the other way around??

It must have to do with this blogging since I feel more prepared to handle this type of thing. Feels weird..but I was completely level headed about the whole thing when if this were a couple months ago..I would have been a nervous wreck over it. Funny thing is that I didn't even realize the change in me..when did that happen? I guess just knowing that I am not alone in this makes me more assured of myself...I like that.

..This isn't the only thing that happened. I will post the next bit later.

Guy Pic

This dude looks awesome in that suit. I would so wear that..if only it didn't look really gay and scream show off.. haha

Another update

I just posted something that I had started writing weeks ago but never got around to finishing. So there it is. I guess that means I would be considered more on the gay side then the straight side. I am attracted to men physically and emotionally..more so than women. That realisation..or admission I guess..has really been a shock to myself. I have always thought I knew exactly who I was and now I realise I don't at all. Shit.

I definitely feel a lot more centered this week though..let's see if it holds. This roller coaster I am on is not fun..I have been feeling like a chick on her period..wanting to break down one minute then pissed off the next. This is all so strange for me since I usually am in complete control of myself.

Ryan and I have had a few conversations over the last few days. He is a good guy and I think an understanding kind of friendship can form from all this. He apparently is in the same position I am in. He did drop back into my life for a reason..I know that now.

..so anyway. Work has been busy, with the added pressure of the owner having financial issues and "cleaning house" his words..oh well..I am trying to make some changes in my life right..if I get sent packing..maybe it will end up better in the long run. Classes have started again also..here goes the balancing act again.

That's it for now..thanks guys!

Experiences

I have had plently of sexual experiences in my life with both men and women. The ones that are always more of a focus in my mind are the ones with guys. Until recently, I always thought of those encounters as "Just having some fun" or "What does it hurt to experiment a little"..now I am finally admitting to myself that those are the experiences that I prefer. I mean..I never fantisize about a women the way I do of a man. If fact if I did fantisize about a woman..a man was always involved as well. That should have been my first clue right..no..denial took over big time. Plus, I had other responsibilities that kept me from even considering the thought of a serious relationship with a guy. Even though I had a few of those in my past..I never really let them last. I realize now how much more myself I was when I was in those guy relationships. I miss that feeling..

Random Music

Modest Mouse-World At Large

Update

Hey all..I know it's been a while since I posted anything. Life has gotten crazy lately. Things are getting strained between my wife and I. She is sensing a change in me..she even has asked what's up with me. I of course said "nothing" and blamed work..but I really wanted to grab her and say.."I'm going through an internal crisis..I need help!!" Unfortunately she wouldnt understand..she comes from a certain type of family and they have made it clear how they feel about guys like me.
..I have been debating whether this whole blog thing was a good idea. It has only succeeded in my complete lose of self control and I feel more screwed up now then ever. Oh..I had sex with Ryan..my co-worker/ex"friend" I wrote about. Just happened..well not really..I let it happen. Was fighting with my wife for several days non stop..ended up going to lunch again with Ryan..then back to his place..then sex. Really not proud of myself..but it's done and I can't take it back now. I talked to him and told him that I made a mistake and it wasn't something I do..he agrees..and we are just going to forget it for now.
I need to really figure some shit out..

Crazy thoughts..

Everything is just getting weird in my head this afternoon..i feel like i am stumbling through my life in this "fake" world I have created around me. when I think about my past or even recent memories..it feels like I am viewing it through a camera lens or outside myself or something like that. I always feel out of place and that I don't fit in. Shit..listen to me..acting like a little bitch or something..ok..that's obviously me lashing out at myself...

Anyway..the events from friday have really done a number on me. I just need to get centered and figure it all out. Any advice..if there is even advice on how to stop your head from thinking too much...haha

Just needed to vent..

Now what..?

I know I haven't posted anything since early last week..but things have been busy at work and a little crazy in my personal life. In my last post I mentioned the "old friend" that started working at my company..well we ended up fooling around. It was very unexpected and something that has left me all fucked up.

On Friday..I ran into him outside my office. He said hey and we started talking. We then decided to go grab lunch to discuss things. We had a very good talk at lunch..discussed our current lives, some fun times we had and I made sure to tell him that everything was still just between us. That seemed to relax him and I'm guessing the fact that I was married as well made him even more comfortable. Now let me state that there was not even a thought of this lunch being more then just lunch in any way..and it was just that until we got back into my truck to head back to our office. The parking lot was off to the side of the building away from the street so we just sat there for a few minutes talking more...then we were making out. I don't even remember thinking that I was going to kiss him or acknowledging him wanting to kiss me..it was just happening. Our hands we all over the place..grabbing and pulling and undoing each others clothes..it was intense. Thank god we seemed to get our senses back before anything was used besides our hands. I don't think I would have been ok with that..even though I know I would have gone through with it..which goes against my rules of marriage.

Since then I have been a mental basket case.. I WANT to do more..but I just can't. Now I am the one avoiding him and I think any kind of friendship between us is done. I don't think I can risk even being around him. This guy does something to me that I didn't realize he did. I was thinking how cute he was and remembering some pretty intimate things during our lunch..and I have always thought about him to a certain degree..but I didn't realize these intense feelings were there. I don't know what I should do. I knew when I saw him that something like this would happen..I just didn't want to admit it to myself.

Is it just my pent up frustrations coming out? ..or is there something with this guy and a reason why he is suddenly back in my life..??

New Guy..sort of

I had an interesting thing happen today..

An old guy "friend" I used to fool around with walked in today as a new employee at my company. We met each other through mutual acquaintances several years ago before I was married. He on the other hand was married at the time and still looks to be so.. Our relationship was completely secret and what I thought of as a friend with benefits..we met occasionally when convenient for both of us and just had fun together. He was definitely what I considered one of my favorites guy friends. Very cute-clean cut-awesome body.

The thing is..when we made eye contact..he visibly hesitated and then adverted his eyes from me. We didn't speak at all. I am a little unsure of that reaction..I understand..but I feel we were fairly close for that period of time and wouldn't have expected that reaction from him.

I am debated how to approach him or if I should at all..since my presence made him feel obviously uncomfortable.

Any thoughts??

Random Guy Pics

Obsession

I am obsessed with seeing other guys dicks.

It stems from when I was a kid in middle school. Actually..I was curious before..but this put it into high gear. It was the first week of school and I was in PE (Physical Education) which had a mixture of the different aged students..and this one kid who was a few years older(maybe 14) had on loose shorts and major swingage..I was fascinated. I couldn't stop thinking about him all day and night. I just knew I had to see it. I followed him the next day into the shower area just to get a good look at it out in all its glory and it was amazing! ..from then on I was hooked. I even switched lockers with a buddy just so I could have a better view of the showers and every year after that I made sure to keep that view. I relished in seeing all my male friends naked..and it only got better as I got older. It was hard to shower myself for fear of getting hard..but I was determined to try and get better vantage points on the whole situation. I was constantly horny like all other males at that age..but I was able to figure out ways of controlling my boners for the most part. By high school I managed to control my thoughts enough to shower without issue and I really had some fun discreetly checking out the other guys.

That desire is still just as strong today. Checking for swingage or a nice defined outline in a guys pants or shorts is one of my favorite things to do. I "people watch" for it all the time. I have even gone as far as..while driving and seeing a guy running..swinging around and driving past again to get a second look...

That is what I define as obsessed for sure.