Dream

I had this dream last night .. I was rich and living in a penthouse in New York with my wife. It was dark and sterile..with everything in its place. I was miserable..but I had everything anyone would want so I couldn't figure out why I hated it so much. Then my wife found out about my attraction to men and everything erupted into quiet confusion..helicopters started taking off from the roof with our belongings and everything melted away. All I remember seeing at one point were the stars and feeling the silence. I knew it was over. Then I was standing alone in the daylight in front of a small house on a beachy type field. It was simple with not much inside..but I was happy.

Young guy.

So there is this guy I have been scoping out for the past few weeks. He works at my company..I know..another coworker...but they are the best to fool around with. Anyway he is on the young side..maybe 21..and cute but not in what I would normally be into. Kind of skinny..but great eyes. I'm not sure what is attracting me to him. He has this sorta lost puppy look to him most of the time and I just want to understand him. He mostly does him own thing and keeps to himself. I think I will start some interactions between us and see what kind of vibe I get.

No real point to this post..just thoughts.

I understand some people would think the way I've been living my life recently is horribly inappropriate. My rational side agrees with that..but things are not that simple. There is an accumulation of events that has led me to this point in my life. My marriage is complicated ..it has been from the start. We started off as good friends ...then friends with benefits..all while periodically dating other people. Then we became exclusive and moved in together ..then she had second thoughts and a hook up with her ex. I let it go and justified it because I cared about her since being with me meant instant family with my kid. When things aren't good between us we fight often and hateful shit spews back and forth..mainly from her end. Then we make up and I take out my frustrations with aggressive make up sex. The marriage is in a constant state of possibly ending then a resurgence of can't being without each other. Last year she had another affair. Which we are working through..if I didn't have my own things going on on the side..I would have been gone already. She is by no means a poor little innocent housewife.

I'm not really sure what my point is..all I know is that I am sweating my balls of currently..its so fucking hot out.

I am not going to try and defend my actions..they are what they are and that's it. I will continue to post things about this part of my life. That's what this blog is for.

Selfish Bastard

Now that things are falling back into place..I've been thinking. What is all this about? Is my life in a healthy balance? If I am ok with my path..even as disfunctional as it is..is it worth it? Where is this path leading me?

I've been trying to figure it all out and have not gotten any closer to a resolution to all my conflicts. Maybe this is the path I was always meant to live. Married and sleeping around with guys on the side..a double life. I don't mind the double aspect of it..it's fun if you take away the lying and betrayal part of it. My wife and I have a relationship that has really just been best friends who got together and had kids. I love her..but I'm not sure if I am in love with her. I don't think that even really matters to me anymore. One part of me wants the married life..grow old with someone with the grandkids running around ..and the other wants to whore it up. I'm sure that is a fairly common thought with most people. I've spent a lot of time with my wife while I was out of work..we seem to understand each other better now..I don't want to loose that..but I want more at the same time.

Hello, my name is Christian and I am a selfish bastard.

Yes..I am still here.

First of all sorry for my scarce-ness. I needed to focus on building my life back up the past several months.

..so what's new in my world? A few things are definitely different..but I am still married..which is a surprise even for me..but we started talking more and our relationship improved..go figure. She still doesn't know about my attraction (or lust) for men..but it is building to that point. We've been getting along too well that I don't wont to sink the boat yet. We started counseling and all that bullshit to help us. I'll get into that more later.

I no longer have a work computer to utilize anymore for my blogging purposes.. I am using my trusty smart phone..it's a pain in the ass by the way. This would be do to the fact that I was laid off from my job back in January. I started working again after 4 months of unemployment and now after coming to terms with my substantial pay cut and having to start all over again career wise..I am at a comfortable place to pick up this blog again.

Now for the real reason you have tuned in..

What's new with the guys in my life? Unfortunately ..not anything too over the top at the moment.

Josh and I have been back at it lately.

William and I have been getting together off and on. He has some shit he's been dealing with.

Ryan and I talk a lot since he moved..but haven't had a chance to visit each other.

Jon and I finally went past the flirting stage.

..and there is a new guy I am very interested in. I will post more tomorrow.

Damn hot!

Found this online the other day. Couldn't help but share it.

A new year...with changes.

Well it's 2011 and a new year with a lot of changes. I have been too caught up with the people in my life and the holidays..which I am glad to be done with. Way too much stress comes along with the flashiness of it all. It's very ridicules.

Anyway, here is the happenings in my world.

- Josh and I are over. He had a huge guilt trip just before Christmas and broke down about how he couldn't live a cheating lifestyle anymore. Kinda made me feel like an ass about my cheating..but in all honesty I'm glad. He was too needy for me and I don't do needy very well.

-Ryan is moving back to California at the end of next week. His parents are having a hard time running there small business and he is picking up his family and moving there to help them out. This I am sad about. He is a very good friend now and I have gotten used to him being around. I'll miss him.

-William is taking a long sabbatical to travel and figure out what he wants out of life..whatever that really means..I don't know. He seemed to have a dark cloud over him since he went to visit his family a while back. He wont talk to me about it though. He keeps telling me that he is fine, but I know he's not. Wish I could do more.

-Jon and I have had some fun hanging out and flirting a lot. Not sure what to make of him yet. He's fun to be around though.

-..and the big one being that my wife admitted to an affair on new years eve. What a way to ring in the new year huh..?? I just listened to her shit about not feeling connected anymore and was looking for attention elsewhere. I know I am completely to blame here..since I did pull away from her. I didn't tell her about my infidelity. I just started sleeping on the couch and we haven't really been speaking to each other too much this week. I'm feeling a divorce coming on strong..but that is what I want right? I would be free to do what I want. Right?? Now with it actually a real possibility..again I'm not sure what I want anymore. Damn I sound like a flake.. What's the saying? Have your cake and eat it too... I enjoy my current lifestyle far too much. That makes me such a selfish bastard. I'll figure it out..always do.