Now that things are falling back into place..I've been thinking. What is all this about? Is my life in a healthy balance? If I am ok with my path..even as disfunctional as it is..is it worth it? Where is this path leading me?
I've been trying to figure it all out and have not gotten any closer to a resolution to all my conflicts. Maybe this is the path I was always meant to live. Married and sleeping around with guys on the side..a double life. I don't mind the double aspect of it..it's fun if you take away the lying and betrayal part of it. My wife and I have a relationship that has really just been best friends who got together and had kids. I love her..but I'm not sure if I am in love with her. I don't think that even really matters to me anymore. One part of me wants the married life..grow old with someone with the grandkids running around ..and the other wants to whore it up. I'm sure that is a fairly common thought with most people. I've spent a lot of time with my wife while I was out of work..we seem to understand each other better now..I don't want to loose that..but I want more at the same time.
Hello, my name is Christian and I am a selfish bastard.
If you were honest with your wife and she was okay with it that would be fine. You really have no right to make that kind of choice for her; so yes you are a selfish basstard if you keep doing what you're doing.
ReplyDeleteIf you are compelled to keep doing what you're doing and lying it will be infinitely easier to end it here than wait until you're found out or you reach a point where even you can't stand it any more..Sorry but I firmly believe this. Have a heart and think about someone else for a change
I have only thought of others my entire life. What they would want of me..how to please them. It's only in the past year have I finally been doing what I want and thinking of myself. ..and I like it.
ReplyDeleteI come from circumstance, too, where the care of others seems to come my way more than it seems fair. I understand chafing against the responsibility. Sometimes it isn't fair. That doesn't change the fact that the people in your life that depend on you don't deserve to be treated badly.
ReplyDeleteIf you find that the burden is too much and you just can't be who they expect and need you to be then be honest with them. No one should have to live a life they don't want but adults make choices and live with those choices, within reason. No one is forcing you to stay in a marriage. Life for grown ups is always a trade off. You are the only one that can decide for you what is more important: living a life of sex with lots of guys that you may or may not form any kind of emotional attachment with or the relative saftey of a marriage that fills a lot of your needs but not every one.
Every adult I know has made trade offs. When we're very young we think we might be able to have it all but with the exception of a very, very few, real life is just not that way. We compromise in almost every aspect of our lives. You need to make choices that you can look back on and live with. Not just for yourself but for your kids, as well.
You are young enough to start over if you need to make a major course correction. Don't wait forever to decide. Just look around you at all these sad, conflicted middle aged men that have lived this kind of lie for years. Only the sociopaths are happy with this kind of arrangement indefinitely.
I don't say any of this to hurt your or to be deliberately harsh. If you read these other married bi/gay blogs you will see that it only brings pain in the long run for everyone if you can't be honest or commit to your marriage. Anyone who tells you you can have it all is full of shit.
Thank you for your comment savon. I am still doing everything that is expected of me. I've just added one thing for myself. I don't do the random sex thing..I always either know the guy or I get to know him as a friend first..just with an added bonus.
ReplyDeleteWith all due respect, Christian, that's not the point. You are having sex with at least 4 or 5 guys in addition to your wife ( I assume you're still sleeping with your wife). How would it feel if the shoe was on the other foot: Say you discovered tomorrow that the Mrs was sleeping with the gardener, the mail man, the kids soccer coach oh, and the grocery store bagger... What do you think you'd have to say about that? How would that make you feel? What do you think the dudes that regularly read this blog would say about what kinda of wife and mother she is?
ReplyDeleteNow you add the additional burden of sex with men. No matter how careful you are, there is risk in this behavior. Real, physical risk to your wife's health because, I assume, she doesn't know she should protect herself during sex with you. Just think about that for a minute...How can you justify what you're doing?
Live the life you're meant to live. Be true to yourself. Just try to minimize the collateral damage while you try to figure your shit out.
I only wanted to add: you're human and you're not killing anybody. Sleep with different people at the same time is not a crime, and it's not punished by law. So let the boy live and solve his problems the way he best can
ReplyDeleteMy wife has cheated..more than once. Maybe we just have that kind of relationship.
ReplyDeleteThanks Huckel.
ReplyDeleteI've never cheated on my OH (been together for over 20 yrs and have 2 kids 16yr old and a 13yrold) I have recently discovered that he has been cheating on me with other men - head jobs and him on top ( accidently found his prepaid mobile phone) Swears he is 'straight' but that it was just a dick thing and that he wasnt getting any from me ...Bit of a history of my life I am 49 going thru menopause,live on a 40 acre farm with livestock, he works away 6 days a week ( so I've been basically single mum for over 10yrs) I have just recently lost my mum after a long battle with cancer and have a sister who decided to go off her mental health drugs 3 yrs ago and has been deteriorating ever since. Now to find out all this has just totally gutted me. Financially I am btn a rock and hard ball. So do we try and work things out or just call it quits. Will he ever change or is this urge for sex with men with him forever? I do not want to share him with anyone. So for you Christain, if your wife had remained faithful and found out about your liasons... would you try and work it out or is it something you could never change... I also realise that every circumstance is different... still trying to get my head around the whole thing. thanks for any light you can shed on my situatuion.
ReplyDeleteHey Huckel,
ReplyDeleteNot a crime, no, but a damned shame. this man, like farmgirl's husband has small kids. he uses this woman to care for a kid he had from another relationship. this man is in his 30's and can no longer be considered a''boy". He is man enough to have fathered children. He has an absolute responsibility to put their well being first. Can you say his behavior does that?
Sleeping with different people and lying about it may not be a crime but it sure doesn't make for a fine environment in which to bring up children. Especially when mommy and daddy are fighting and treating each other like shit. Children that, too often, the rest of us have to pay for because their parents were so irresponsible to have had kids they could not or would not put first. So yes, dude, it is all our responsibility when these people fuck their lives and the lives of their kids totally up.
Ugh, Christian--no offense, but that name carries very unfond memories with me. A doofus of a guy who was always pestering me and my friend shad that name. Oh well, I will always imagine you as Andrew Lincoln though. Don't ask why.
ReplyDeleteBut on a more serious note, I don't feel like giving you relationship advice. I myself have only been in a handful of brief, fleeting relationships. Both with guys in my early teens, both of them apparently madly in love with me and both leaving me for somebody else (but too be honest, I wasn't that hurt). Either way, I haven't been with anybody since. Although I've been getting a lot of passes from girls lately...
ANYWAYS. My main piece of advice I feel comfortable giving to you right now is to really weigh your options. I know, I sound like an idiot say that. "But I'm obviously doing it 24/7!" Well, what I'm trying to say is, think of every possible outcome, really try to discover what makes you happy and go with it.
Believe me, I'm sure your wife, your kids and even your buddies wouldn't want you to suffer by leading this double life of yours. I find people tend to be more understanding than you think during times like this.
Anyways, good luck as always, and keep writing! Your blog is inspiring me to make some changes in my own life and to re-discover my own sexuality. (Because I'm very similar to you; I'm a guy, I know I like men more than women, but I also can't deny my attraction to women and how much more it would please my relatives and friends if I did go out with a woman--I'm on the line of "should I try it, or is it worth it?" Meh, either way, you got me thinking!)