I understand some people would think the way I've been living my life recently is horribly inappropriate. My rational side agrees with that..but things are not that simple. There is an accumulation of events that has led me to this point in my life. My marriage is complicated ..it has been from the start. We started off as good friends ...then friends with benefits..all while periodically dating other people. Then we became exclusive and moved in together ..then she had second thoughts and a hook up with her ex. I let it go and justified it because I cared about her since being with me meant instant family with my kid. When things aren't good between us we fight often and hateful shit spews back and forth..mainly from her end. Then we make up and I take out my frustrations with aggressive make up sex. The marriage is in a constant state of possibly ending then a resurgence of can't being without each other. Last year she had another affair. Which we are working through..if I didn't have my own things going on on the side..I would have been gone already. She is by no means a poor little innocent housewife.
I'm not really sure what my point is..all I know is that I am sweating my balls of currently..its so fucking hot out.
I am not going to try and defend my actions..they are what they are and that's it. I will continue to post things about this part of my life. That's what this blog is for.
Hi Christian,
ReplyDeleteIt's me again. I apologize if you felt I was being too critical. Your pain and confusion come through loud and clear in every post. Whatever you're doing does not seem to be working for either of you. I hope you can come to terms with the relationship with your wife and find a stable environment for your kids.
I'm not in your shoes and I may not understand but the frenetic, dare I say compulsive, sexual behavior does not seem to be helping you. Have you considered you're using these encounters as a way to self medicate? Not necessarily wrong but I doubt doing this will help you understand the direction your life needs to take.
You are young and intelligent. I assume you have your health. Take advantage of what you DO have to deal with and come grips with your past so you can make a future for your family.
I wish you only the best.
Before your extended break from blogging you bounced around about your sexual label. So here's a question: if you came out to your wife as bi, how would she react? If you came out to her as gay, how would she react?
ReplyDeleteIf she wouldn't care much in either circumstance, then it seems to me that you two have defaulted into a DADT marriage when it comes to sex with others. If she wouldn't want to be with you if she knew you were bi (or gay) then you're withholding fundamental one-sided information. Unless you can keep your sexuality a secret from her forever, your discovery is inevitable. What matters is how much time passes while the secret is kept. What could you both have done with your lives during that time?
Believe me, the last thing you want to do is look back in 5, 10 or 20 years and be filled with regret.
Christian,
ReplyDeleteI found you awhile back and immediately started following you. Since then, I've spent zero time combing through your older post in order understand what you're about.
Premature-following gets you on my Dashboard, which prevents me from forgetting about you, while also providing quick updates from a higher altitude.
After being struck by the first few lines of this post, I decided to stop-in and read the rest. So without sufficient detail of the crimes you make reference to, consider this my uninformed take on things:
Life's blurry for us all so, we have that in common with one another. How we're each effected by it, well, that's the unique part.
Still, the only judgement that matters is your own. Everyone else can fuck off.
-TGK