Now that things are falling back into place..I've been thinking. What is all this about? Is my life in a healthy balance? If I am ok with my path..even as disfunctional as it is..is it worth it? Where is this path leading me?
I've been trying to figure it all out and have not gotten any closer to a resolution to all my conflicts. Maybe this is the path I was always meant to live. Married and sleeping around with guys on the side..a double life. I don't mind the double aspect of it..it's fun if you take away the lying and betrayal part of it. My wife and I have a relationship that has really just been best friends who got together and had kids. I love her..but I'm not sure if I am in love with her. I don't think that even really matters to me anymore. One part of me wants the married life..grow old with someone with the grandkids running around ..and the other wants to whore it up. I'm sure that is a fairly common thought with most people. I've spent a lot of time with my wife while I was out of work..we seem to understand each other better now..I don't want to loose that..but I want more at the same time.
Hello, my name is Christian and I am a selfish bastard.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Yes..I am still here.
First of all sorry for my scarce-ness. I needed to focus on building my life back up the past several months.
..so what's new in my world? A few things are definitely different..but I am still married..which is a surprise even for me..but we started talking more and our relationship improved..go figure. She still doesn't know about my attraction (or lust) for men..but it is building to that point. We've been getting along too well that I don't wont to sink the boat yet. We started counseling and all that bullshit to help us. I'll get into that more later.
I no longer have a work computer to utilize anymore for my blogging purposes.. I am using my trusty smart phone..it's a pain in the ass by the way. This would be do to the fact that I was laid off from my job back in January. I started working again after 4 months of unemployment and now after coming to terms with my substantial pay cut and having to start all over again career wise..I am at a comfortable place to pick up this blog again.
Now for the real reason you have tuned in..
What's new with the guys in my life? Unfortunately ..not anything too over the top at the moment.
Josh and I have been back at it lately.
William and I have been getting together off and on. He has some shit he's been dealing with.
Ryan and I talk a lot since he moved..but haven't had a chance to visit each other.
Jon and I finally went past the flirting stage.
..and there is a new guy I am very interested in. I will post more tomorrow.
..so what's new in my world? A few things are definitely different..but I am still married..which is a surprise even for me..but we started talking more and our relationship improved..go figure. She still doesn't know about my attraction (or lust) for men..but it is building to that point. We've been getting along too well that I don't wont to sink the boat yet. We started counseling and all that bullshit to help us. I'll get into that more later.
I no longer have a work computer to utilize anymore for my blogging purposes.. I am using my trusty smart phone..it's a pain in the ass by the way. This would be do to the fact that I was laid off from my job back in January. I started working again after 4 months of unemployment and now after coming to terms with my substantial pay cut and having to start all over again career wise..I am at a comfortable place to pick up this blog again.
Now for the real reason you have tuned in..
What's new with the guys in my life? Unfortunately ..not anything too over the top at the moment.
Josh and I have been back at it lately.
William and I have been getting together off and on. He has some shit he's been dealing with.
Ryan and I talk a lot since he moved..but haven't had a chance to visit each other.
Jon and I finally went past the flirting stage.
..and there is a new guy I am very interested in. I will post more tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
A new year...with changes.
Well it's 2011 and a new year with a lot of changes. I have been too caught up with the people in my life and the holidays..which I am glad to be done with. Way too much stress comes along with the flashiness of it all. It's very ridicules.
Anyway, here is the happenings in my world.
- Josh and I are over. He had a huge guilt trip just before Christmas and broke down about how he couldn't live a cheating lifestyle anymore. Kinda made me feel like an ass about my cheating..but in all honesty I'm glad. He was too needy for me and I don't do needy very well.
-Ryan is moving back to California at the end of next week. His parents are having a hard time running there small business and he is picking up his family and moving there to help them out. This I am sad about. He is a very good friend now and I have gotten used to him being around. I'll miss him.
-William is taking a long sabbatical to travel and figure out what he wants out of life..whatever that really means..I don't know. He seemed to have a dark cloud over him since he went to visit his family a while back. He wont talk to me about it though. He keeps telling me that he is fine, but I know he's not. Wish I could do more.
-Jon and I have had some fun hanging out and flirting a lot. Not sure what to make of him yet. He's fun to be around though.
-..and the big one being that my wife admitted to an affair on new years eve. What a way to ring in the new year huh..?? I just listened to her shit about not feeling connected anymore and was looking for attention elsewhere. I know I am completely to blame here..since I did pull away from her. I didn't tell her about my infidelity. I just started sleeping on the couch and we haven't really been speaking to each other too much this week. I'm feeling a divorce coming on strong..but that is what I want right? I would be free to do what I want. Right?? Now with it actually a real possibility..again I'm not sure what I want anymore. Damn I sound like a flake.. What's the saying? Have your cake and eat it too... I enjoy my current lifestyle far too much. That makes me such a selfish bastard. I'll figure it out..always do.
Anyway, here is the happenings in my world.
- Josh and I are over. He had a huge guilt trip just before Christmas and broke down about how he couldn't live a cheating lifestyle anymore. Kinda made me feel like an ass about my cheating..but in all honesty I'm glad. He was too needy for me and I don't do needy very well.
-Ryan is moving back to California at the end of next week. His parents are having a hard time running there small business and he is picking up his family and moving there to help them out. This I am sad about. He is a very good friend now and I have gotten used to him being around. I'll miss him.
-William is taking a long sabbatical to travel and figure out what he wants out of life..whatever that really means..I don't know. He seemed to have a dark cloud over him since he went to visit his family a while back. He wont talk to me about it though. He keeps telling me that he is fine, but I know he's not. Wish I could do more.
-Jon and I have had some fun hanging out and flirting a lot. Not sure what to make of him yet. He's fun to be around though.
-..and the big one being that my wife admitted to an affair on new years eve. What a way to ring in the new year huh..?? I just listened to her shit about not feeling connected anymore and was looking for attention elsewhere. I know I am completely to blame here..since I did pull away from her. I didn't tell her about my infidelity. I just started sleeping on the couch and we haven't really been speaking to each other too much this week. I'm feeling a divorce coming on strong..but that is what I want right? I would be free to do what I want. Right?? Now with it actually a real possibility..again I'm not sure what I want anymore. Damn I sound like a flake.. What's the saying? Have your cake and eat it too... I enjoy my current lifestyle far too much. That makes me such a selfish bastard. I'll figure it out..always do.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
The guys in my life.
Here is a little update on the guys in my life.
Josh and I have been hanging out together again on a regular basis with the occasional sex here and there. He has almost become a fixture in my life every weekend. I like it but it feels off somehow..he is a little needy. I had to tell him to tone down the hugging..it's getting on my nerves and he gets a little too close at times when not appropriate. The other morning..my wife even jokingly asked if Josh and I were sleeping together. It's something she jokes about with everyone, so I knew she wasn't being serious. I just laughed it off and said, "actually honey we are and he's amazing"..I kissed her, winked and told her I was kidding, giving her my 'get away with everything' smile..as she calls it. It kinda felt good to tell the truth in a way, but then it felt kinda crazy to do that. Oh well..
I am still doing my daily lunches with Ryan. With a couple of those being at his house every week where we can get close without worry. It's been fun with him. I think we know every dirty detail about each other. He is becoming a very good friend and person I can really trust.
William has been scarce the past month. He was on vacation for a few weeks visiting family and now he has classes ending so we haven't seen too much of each other. We did go out for drinks and talk a couple weeks ago but nothing else since Halloween. He insists that we will see a lot more of each other as soon as the semester ends. Looking forward to that.
Then there is Daniel..the grocery store guy. I have not done anything but flirt with him as much as I can. I have been going there to get coffee at the Starbucks in the store and coming up with reasons to talk to him. I don't think anything will come of it though. He is super professional. Damn.
That pretty much sums it all up. Nothing too exciting..so that means I am due for something right? Haha
Josh and I have been hanging out together again on a regular basis with the occasional sex here and there. He has almost become a fixture in my life every weekend. I like it but it feels off somehow..he is a little needy. I had to tell him to tone down the hugging..it's getting on my nerves and he gets a little too close at times when not appropriate. The other morning..my wife even jokingly asked if Josh and I were sleeping together. It's something she jokes about with everyone, so I knew she wasn't being serious. I just laughed it off and said, "actually honey we are and he's amazing"..I kissed her, winked and told her I was kidding, giving her my 'get away with everything' smile..as she calls it. It kinda felt good to tell the truth in a way, but then it felt kinda crazy to do that. Oh well..
I am still doing my daily lunches with Ryan. With a couple of those being at his house every week where we can get close without worry. It's been fun with him. I think we know every dirty detail about each other. He is becoming a very good friend and person I can really trust.
William has been scarce the past month. He was on vacation for a few weeks visiting family and now he has classes ending so we haven't seen too much of each other. We did go out for drinks and talk a couple weeks ago but nothing else since Halloween. He insists that we will see a lot more of each other as soon as the semester ends. Looking forward to that.
Then there is Daniel..the grocery store guy. I have not done anything but flirt with him as much as I can. I have been going there to get coffee at the Starbucks in the store and coming up with reasons to talk to him. I don't think anything will come of it though. He is super professional. Damn.
That pretty much sums it all up. Nothing too exciting..so that means I am due for something right? Haha
Jon
He is the son of a family friend who I have known ever since I can remember. Last time I saw him he was about 18..I think. I saw him at a family thing a couple weeks ago and we started chatting and have been in communication since. We have a lot of the same interests..always have..but now there was something different added in our conversations. Slight innuendos on his part, but if he is flirting, he is good because it's so subtle. All I know is that I felt drawn to him like I haven't before. Now I can't stop thinking about him....
I am really becoming overly sexual. I do realize that..but I decided a while ago to stop fighting it and just see where it leads me. My marriage has been rocky..has been for a while. It just seems to have stalled in a way. Almost like we care about each other but we are no longer IN LOVE with each other and we have both taken notice of this. I seriously believe my wife is having her own sexual awakening too. I have noticed an increase in her privacy as far as her not leaving her cell phone around and quickly closing out screens on her computer when I walk in the room. I guess that takes some of the guilt away..not sure..but I realize I am completely ok with it. Weird..I used to be the jealous type.
Ok..that went on a bit of a tangent, but when it's there I have to let it out.
Anyway..Jon and I have been talking periodically over the phone and through email planning a hiking trip for this coming weekend. He seems really excited about it and I definitely am. It will be just him and I. I guess we will see what happens. I do know that I am going to go on an all out flirt frenzy and see if I'm reading him right or not. Hopefully I am.
I am really becoming overly sexual. I do realize that..but I decided a while ago to stop fighting it and just see where it leads me. My marriage has been rocky..has been for a while. It just seems to have stalled in a way. Almost like we care about each other but we are no longer IN LOVE with each other and we have both taken notice of this. I seriously believe my wife is having her own sexual awakening too. I have noticed an increase in her privacy as far as her not leaving her cell phone around and quickly closing out screens on her computer when I walk in the room. I guess that takes some of the guilt away..not sure..but I realize I am completely ok with it. Weird..I used to be the jealous type.
Ok..that went on a bit of a tangent, but when it's there I have to let it out.
Anyway..Jon and I have been talking periodically over the phone and through email planning a hiking trip for this coming weekend. He seems really excited about it and I definitely am. It will be just him and I. I guess we will see what happens. I do know that I am going to go on an all out flirt frenzy and see if I'm reading him right or not. Hopefully I am.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Bad Blogger
Ok..I am officially a bad blogger. To my defense however, things have been a bit wacky with school, work, home, holiday, vacation and guys..all rolled up in an increasingly competitive time war. Oh well..I am in need of my blog world again and hope to post with more frequency now.
Since it's been a while since my last post, an update is in order. I am still married, still working the same old job and the same old classes and still involved sexually with William, Ryan and Josh. With a brand new prospect in the works. His name is Jon. We met at a family thing around Thanksgiving and the underlying flirting embedded in our conversations..was intense..for me anyway. Kinda was taken by surprise with this one. He is a friend of the family that was just a kid the last time I saw him..now he is a very hot 23 year old that I really need to get to know better..like I need to add more to my life?? haha..but how do you say no to your urges?
...seriously, how do you..because I am at a loss at this point.
I will post with more detail tomorrow. Home life is currently beckoning me with responsibility. I will try and keep sane until then.
Later guys..
--Oh and PS..in response to comments on my last post. This blog is NOT a porn site, so sorry guys..I will not go into any more sexual detail than what is posted unless I find it necessary. Thanks to those who like my blog for what it is..just me spilling my thoughts and stories.
Since it's been a while since my last post, an update is in order. I am still married, still working the same old job and the same old classes and still involved sexually with William, Ryan and Josh. With a brand new prospect in the works. His name is Jon. We met at a family thing around Thanksgiving and the underlying flirting embedded in our conversations..was intense..for me anyway. Kinda was taken by surprise with this one. He is a friend of the family that was just a kid the last time I saw him..now he is a very hot 23 year old that I really need to get to know better..like I need to add more to my life?? haha..but how do you say no to your urges?
...seriously, how do you..because I am at a loss at this point.
I will post with more detail tomorrow. Home life is currently beckoning me with responsibility. I will try and keep sane until then.
Later guys..
--Oh and PS..in response to comments on my last post. This blog is NOT a porn site, so sorry guys..I will not go into any more sexual detail than what is posted unless I find it necessary. Thanks to those who like my blog for what it is..just me spilling my thoughts and stories.
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