Modest Mouse-World At Large
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Update
Hey all..I know it's been a while since I posted anything. Life has gotten crazy lately. Things are getting strained between my wife and I. She is sensing a change in me..she even has asked what's up with me. I of course said "nothing" and blamed work..but I really wanted to grab her and say.."I'm going through an internal crisis..I need help!!" Unfortunately she wouldnt understand..she comes from a certain type of family and they have made it clear how they feel about guys like me.
..I have been debating whether this whole blog thing was a good idea. It has only succeeded in my complete lose of self control and I feel more screwed up now then ever. Oh..I had sex with Ryan..my co-worker/ex"friend" I wrote about. Just happened..well not really..I let it happen. Was fighting with my wife for several days non stop..ended up going to lunch again with Ryan..then back to his place..then sex. Really not proud of myself..but it's done and I can't take it back now. I talked to him and told him that I made a mistake and it wasn't something I do..he agrees..and we are just going to forget it for now.
I need to really figure some shit out..
..I have been debating whether this whole blog thing was a good idea. It has only succeeded in my complete lose of self control and I feel more screwed up now then ever. Oh..I had sex with Ryan..my co-worker/ex"friend" I wrote about. Just happened..well not really..I let it happen. Was fighting with my wife for several days non stop..ended up going to lunch again with Ryan..then back to his place..then sex. Really not proud of myself..but it's done and I can't take it back now. I talked to him and told him that I made a mistake and it wasn't something I do..he agrees..and we are just going to forget it for now.
I need to really figure some shit out..
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Crazy thoughts..
Everything is just getting weird in my head this afternoon..i feel like i am stumbling through my life in this "fake" world I have created around me. when I think about my past or even recent memories..it feels like I am viewing it through a camera lens or outside myself or something like that. I always feel out of place and that I don't fit in. Shit..listen to me..acting like a little bitch or something..ok..that's obviously me lashing out at myself...
Anyway..the events from friday have really done a number on me. I just need to get centered and figure it all out. Any advice..if there is even advice on how to stop your head from thinking too much...haha
Just needed to vent..
Anyway..the events from friday have really done a number on me. I just need to get centered and figure it all out. Any advice..if there is even advice on how to stop your head from thinking too much...haha
Just needed to vent..
Now what..?
I know I haven't posted anything since early last week..but things have been busy at work and a little crazy in my personal life. In my last post I mentioned the "old friend" that started working at my company..well we ended up fooling around. It was very unexpected and something that has left me all fucked up.
On Friday..I ran into him outside my office. He said hey and we started talking. We then decided to go grab lunch to discuss things. We had a very good talk at lunch..discussed our current lives, some fun times we had and I made sure to tell him that everything was still just between us. That seemed to relax him and I'm guessing the fact that I was married as well made him even more comfortable. Now let me state that there was not even a thought of this lunch being more then just lunch in any way..and it was just that until we got back into my truck to head back to our office. The parking lot was off to the side of the building away from the street so we just sat there for a few minutes talking more...then we were making out. I don't even remember thinking that I was going to kiss him or acknowledging him wanting to kiss me..it was just happening. Our hands we all over the place..grabbing and pulling and undoing each others clothes..it was intense. Thank god we seemed to get our senses back before anything was used besides our hands. I don't think I would have been ok with that..even though I know I would have gone through with it..which goes against my rules of marriage.
Since then I have been a mental basket case.. I WANT to do more..but I just can't. Now I am the one avoiding him and I think any kind of friendship between us is done. I don't think I can risk even being around him. This guy does something to me that I didn't realize he did. I was thinking how cute he was and remembering some pretty intimate things during our lunch..and I have always thought about him to a certain degree..but I didn't realize these intense feelings were there. I don't know what I should do. I knew when I saw him that something like this would happen..I just didn't want to admit it to myself.
Is it just my pent up frustrations coming out? ..or is there something with this guy and a reason why he is suddenly back in my life..??
On Friday..I ran into him outside my office. He said hey and we started talking. We then decided to go grab lunch to discuss things. We had a very good talk at lunch..discussed our current lives, some fun times we had and I made sure to tell him that everything was still just between us. That seemed to relax him and I'm guessing the fact that I was married as well made him even more comfortable. Now let me state that there was not even a thought of this lunch being more then just lunch in any way..and it was just that until we got back into my truck to head back to our office. The parking lot was off to the side of the building away from the street so we just sat there for a few minutes talking more...then we were making out. I don't even remember thinking that I was going to kiss him or acknowledging him wanting to kiss me..it was just happening. Our hands we all over the place..grabbing and pulling and undoing each others clothes..it was intense. Thank god we seemed to get our senses back before anything was used besides our hands. I don't think I would have been ok with that..even though I know I would have gone through with it..which goes against my rules of marriage.
Since then I have been a mental basket case.. I WANT to do more..but I just can't. Now I am the one avoiding him and I think any kind of friendship between us is done. I don't think I can risk even being around him. This guy does something to me that I didn't realize he did. I was thinking how cute he was and remembering some pretty intimate things during our lunch..and I have always thought about him to a certain degree..but I didn't realize these intense feelings were there. I don't know what I should do. I knew when I saw him that something like this would happen..I just didn't want to admit it to myself.
Is it just my pent up frustrations coming out? ..or is there something with this guy and a reason why he is suddenly back in my life..??
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
New Guy..sort of
I had an interesting thing happen today..
An old guy "friend" I used to fool around with walked in today as a new employee at my company. We met each other through mutual acquaintances several years ago before I was married. He on the other hand was married at the time and still looks to be so.. Our relationship was completely secret and what I thought of as a friend with benefits..we met occasionally when convenient for both of us and just had fun together. He was definitely what I considered one of my favorites guy friends. Very cute-clean cut-awesome body.
The thing is..when we made eye contact..he visibly hesitated and then adverted his eyes from me. We didn't speak at all. I am a little unsure of that reaction..I understand..but I feel we were fairly close for that period of time and wouldn't have expected that reaction from him.
I am debated how to approach him or if I should at all..since my presence made him feel obviously uncomfortable.
Any thoughts??
An old guy "friend" I used to fool around with walked in today as a new employee at my company. We met each other through mutual acquaintances several years ago before I was married. He on the other hand was married at the time and still looks to be so.. Our relationship was completely secret and what I thought of as a friend with benefits..we met occasionally when convenient for both of us and just had fun together. He was definitely what I considered one of my favorites guy friends. Very cute-clean cut-awesome body.
The thing is..when we made eye contact..he visibly hesitated and then adverted his eyes from me. We didn't speak at all. I am a little unsure of that reaction..I understand..but I feel we were fairly close for that period of time and wouldn't have expected that reaction from him.
I am debated how to approach him or if I should at all..since my presence made him feel obviously uncomfortable.
Any thoughts??
Monday, August 2, 2010
Obsession
I am obsessed with seeing other guys dicks.
It stems from when I was a kid in middle school. Actually..I was curious before..but this put it into high gear. It was the first week of school and I was in PE (Physical Education) which had a mixture of the different aged students..and this one kid who was a few years older(maybe 14) had on loose shorts and major swingage..I was fascinated. I couldn't stop thinking about him all day and night. I just knew I had to see it. I followed him the next day into the shower area just to get a good look at it out in all its glory and it was amazing! ..from then on I was hooked. I even switched lockers with a buddy just so I could have a better view of the showers and every year after that I made sure to keep that view. I relished in seeing all my male friends naked..and it only got better as I got older. It was hard to shower myself for fear of getting hard..but I was determined to try and get better vantage points on the whole situation. I was constantly horny like all other males at that age..but I was able to figure out ways of controlling my boners for the most part. By high school I managed to control my thoughts enough to shower without issue and I really had some fun discreetly checking out the other guys.
That desire is still just as strong today. Checking for swingage or a nice defined outline in a guys pants or shorts is one of my favorite things to do. I "people watch" for it all the time. I have even gone as far as..while driving and seeing a guy running..swinging around and driving past again to get a second look...
That is what I define as obsessed for sure.
It stems from when I was a kid in middle school. Actually..I was curious before..but this put it into high gear. It was the first week of school and I was in PE (Physical Education) which had a mixture of the different aged students..and this one kid who was a few years older(maybe 14) had on loose shorts and major swingage..I was fascinated. I couldn't stop thinking about him all day and night. I just knew I had to see it. I followed him the next day into the shower area just to get a good look at it out in all its glory and it was amazing! ..from then on I was hooked. I even switched lockers with a buddy just so I could have a better view of the showers and every year after that I made sure to keep that view. I relished in seeing all my male friends naked..and it only got better as I got older. It was hard to shower myself for fear of getting hard..but I was determined to try and get better vantage points on the whole situation. I was constantly horny like all other males at that age..but I was able to figure out ways of controlling my boners for the most part. By high school I managed to control my thoughts enough to shower without issue and I really had some fun discreetly checking out the other guys.
That desire is still just as strong today. Checking for swingage or a nice defined outline in a guys pants or shorts is one of my favorite things to do. I "people watch" for it all the time. I have even gone as far as..while driving and seeing a guy running..swinging around and driving past again to get a second look...
That is what I define as obsessed for sure.
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