Be Back Monday

Thanks for all the comments. I'm off for the weekend.

Run

Feeling a little like I want to run and just keep running. I get this way sometimes. Maybe it's because of all the shit I keep bottled inside and with this blog I have been letting it all out..and it feels good..but it also is bringing it all to the forefront of my mind. I usually don't let that happen. Oh well..it will pass.

Oh and I finally found a blog title that doesn't annoy me. I wont change it again..but thought since I don't have many followers yet..it's not a big deal.

Random Music

Heard this song this morning and I thought "this fits surprisingly well with my life"...interesting.

Physical attraction

The pic I just posted got me thinking..

I find myself more physically attracted to the male body. I can appreciate a female body..don't get me wrong..there is a beauty in that sensual soft way that is amazing. It's just that I get a stronger reaction within myself at looking at a nude man. I guess there is definitely something to that..leaning more towards the gay side of me. Men are sexy and their bodies are firm and sculpted..just beautiful. I love a good nude male model. I will be posting some pics of interesting male models in the future.

Random guy pic

My other secret..and it's monkey wrench on my life.

Ok..besides the obvious "I think I'm gay" secret..I have another that I never told anyone I was ever with. When I was 17-18 a guy friend I was fooling around with asked me if I wanted to make money going on "dates" with other guys. I thought..shit, why not. I grew up poor and without a dad..what would you expect..right?? After all I was going through my "experimental" years and to make some easy cash..I said fuck yeah?? I agreed to give it a try and ended up doing it for several years off and on. I made great money and got some nice gifts out of it but after a while..I felt completely disgusted with myself and all men in general after a very unpleasant last encounter.. They were deviant assholes in my mind and so was I for letting myself go that far.

So whats a guy to do after this whole ordeal? Go to the doctor..get checked(all clean thank god)..and leave that gay shit behind...for good. It worked for the most part for several years. I started dating a few girls..and decided what I needed to do to get things back on track was start myself a family. haha..I was almost 20 and ready for that after all....right??? No. Making rash decisions on the rebound of poor ones, is never a good idea. Hindsight is a bitch.. Anyway I proposed to this girl I had been dating for three months and we went to Vegas and got married. I wont go into details about the marriage..but obviously it didn't work out. She eventually took off out of my life for good. I was left trying to figure out where to go from there.

I started thinking about guys again..It never really stopped.. I had plenty of jack off sessions over the years and got my flirt on when I was out alone, but no male sexual contact in about 4 years..not since my last "job". I started going out again feeling older and wiser. I had several short relationships with guys and girls..none that I really think about except one guy in particular, Daniel. We met at a bar..he was a 31 year old high school math teacher and hot and I thought "he's fun, we can hang out and I can get these male frustrations out" since I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't touch a guy on occasion. You know..still thinking "fuck it" I want to have some fun right..not gay here..just fun and open. Even though I considered us friends at the time..looking back..it was more than that. I truly enjoyed being with him..I practically lived at his place for periods of time. This went on for 9 months or so..then he got a job offer and moved out of state. No big deal..we called each other a few times..but it eventually fizzled out. I kept casually dating and meeting different guys and girls..it was a good time.

Then I got a call from this good female friend of mine out of the blue. We hadn't even spoken to each other in a while..but there she was and I had had this crush on her but she was in a relationship and it had never went anywhere. Her relationship was now over and she wanted to see what I was up to and go get drinks. I was on my way to see this guy I had met a few weeks earlier..but decided to cancel and see her instead. We started dating soon after..and she is now my wife. There are many reasons this seemed like it would work out..she was fun and great with my kid from my first marriage and I thought "maybe this is my chance to have that family" that I tried to create before. After all..I'm not gay or anything..

Now several more years later I find myself finally figuring myself out..at least I think I am. I have constant thoughts of guys..and I finally admitted to myself in my head that "I think I might actually be gay". I would never let myself really think those words before. I still can't really accept it. There is too much I could loose to accept those words as fact.

I think that decision I made when I was 17 threw my life out of whack. I go over those decisions and think how different things would have been if I did things differently. I know I would have made better choices and I wouldn't have gotten myself into this mess right now..but again hindsight right....

I just need to figure out myself and what I need to do from here on. Admitting my attraction to guys as being nothing more than just fun and free times as a kid is getting harder. Am I really gay..or am I just bored with my life..??? Am I just thinking about the fun times I had with these guys and that's what I'm longing for..that freedom to choose? If that's the case..I'm just being selfish.

Title Change

I changed my blog title from 'My Male Interests' to 'Am I straight or gay?'. Thought it's nice and simple and better explained what I was writing about..

After I get a few things going here at work..yes blogging on company time..I have some thoughts I want to post.

Flirting

I got flirted with big time by this cute blond guy at Starbucks this morning. To the point where I became slightly uncomfortable..since others were around. He wasn't overly flamboyant (which is not my type), but he was noticeably gay. Just by his demeanor. I just responded to the small talk and smiled back..then he touched my hand while giving me my drink asking if I needed anything else. Doesn't take any gaydar to see that it was an obvious pick up..but again, being married, I didn't respond back. Just smiled and said no and thanks.

It was fun..and a great ego boost. I love mornings like that.

I tend to get flirted with a lot by both men and women..mostly men though. I get the arm touches and the little laughs with the lingering stares..what's that all about? Do I have a sign on my forehead that gives the ok..? I am not by any means flamboyant. The guys that I have fooled around with in the past were all completely surprised that I was into guys. Maybe I put off a "come get me" pheromone directed towards men?? If that were the case then I would know for sure the universe is fucking with me...

Random cute guy

This is Bug Hall. A not so well known actor. I happened upon this pic and thought I would share it.

I think I will make this a regular thing. Posting pics of guys that catch my interest.

Damn guy crushes..what the fuck..

I have this friend Josh. He is a fun guy, cute, edgy, tattoos, drummer in band..you know..all the good stuff. We have been hanging out more recently, just chilling and drinking, nothing too exciting, budding friendship type of thing. Anyway the problem is that I am developing this mad ass crush on him and I can't shake it. I mean really...am I a 12 year old girl?? What's wrong with me? I mean it's getting to the point where I can't even look at him without wanting to lunge forward and kiss him. I don't know how to handle this. I have been attracted to random male friends/co-workers before, but no guy has ever made me feel like this at all. I literally feel like I'm a teenager again..increased heart rate and everything. Now he is married with a kid, but I do get a sense back from him. I do not have "gaydar" to a great extent, but there have been lingering looks between us at times..maybe it's the alcohol, but it's happened while we weren't drinking too. I am not at all sure what that means on his end. I just want to be able to hang with him without feeling like this. It's not helping my current life situation.

Damn would it be nice just to feel him close...see a complete mess here.

How should I handle this?

Confusion...

I thought I had come to terms with my sexuality..actually I have thought that SEVERAL times in my past..but apparently it isn't as simple as just "OK, no more of that shit". Everything for the most part in my life has been running smooth with the occasional wrench thrown in to keep things interesting. Lately, however, my mind has been wandering back to guys and sex. I have been very good at self-control for years now. I have not cheated on my wife nor would I want to..but there is this fire inside me that I don't feel I can keep in control anymore. I don't know what I am going to do. I have too much going on right now that this is really fucking with my head.

I'd like to think that I live with no regrets, which is something I have always tried to convince myself of, but in reality I have many. I should not have gotten married again for one...but when it is expected of you to do so..what then? In all reality I did always want to create that family life that I never had when I grew up. The wife, kids, nice house..dog...you know the typical white picket fence deal. For the most part I have accomplished this, even with the set back of my prior marriage..and this one is working out very well. Things seem to be falling into place. The only problem is my constant struggle to keep my attraction to men in check. Now I am regretting getting involved with a woman again..I don't want to hurt her or my kids, but I just don't know if I can keep going like this forever....It's finally eating me up inside..I hate having to lie about past relationships..turning "boyfriends" into "girlfriends" in my conversations and being on constant alert not to let my eyes wander too long on men..among other things. It's all just exahsting..and I am growing tired of all the secrets. I just want to be me..myself with no holding back on my feelings.

I have lived my life for everyone else..making sure my kids had the home life they needed and trying to be the person everyone wanted me to be. However now all I keep thinking is..Do I get a turn to just be myself? .....or am I just being selfish..??

Wow that felt good to unload..ok..I feel a little less crazy now.

Getting Started

Hey all..this is my first blog about me and my struggles with coming to terms with who I am. I am a 30 year old guy, I have kids and I'm in a relationship with a woman I care a lot about. I work in finance..trying to finish my degree..and generally getting my life back on track after many set backs. I guess it sounds fairly average....except I am also attracted to men.

This attraction has always been there and I have tried VERY hard to ignore it...but as I get older I realize it's a part of me I cannot ignore anymore. I need to figure out what to do with my life and stop the insanity in my head of the what ifs which seem to be plaguing me with ever more frequency over the past year.

So here starts my path..like many others..about self discovery. I could use all the advise I can get...