Saw Paul again

Paul and I had an intense conversation yesterday. He told me that I had really effected his life. He never really got close to anyone after me because of how we ended. I feel like shit for treating him the way I did, but I was 17. Is that an excuse..don't know..but I do know my way of thinking was completely different then as compared to how I am now. I was so afraid to admit how I felt about him that I pushed him away in that asshole teenager way. When I think of the things I said to him..I want to crawl into a hole from the embarrassment. I projected my anger about my own feelings on him. At the time..I "wasn't gay"..and he had started to make me feel like I was with the feeling I had for him..and I didn't want to admit that it was more then just having fun. Man..society fucks with people. Why couldn't I want to be with him? I did..but couldn't imagine how my mom and friends would treat me if I were to be gay. That was the only real reason.

Anyway..we hugged it all out and kissed..but it wasn't in a sexual way. It was more like just needing that closeness for closure. It felt good to clear up all that old shit.

It would be nice to bring him and Ryan into my life more. It should be fairly easy. Paul is an old high school friend and Ryan is a co-worker..so it wouldn't be random or anything. Still debating it though. It would be nice to take some of the fake-ness away.

I am meeting up with Ryan after work so we can be ourselves for a little while. Looking forward to that.

Good weekend..more thoughts

I had a great weekend. Ended up mostly doing things with my family. It was good. No jail time..but good. haha Not as exciting as I would have hoped..but fun none the less.

I think my fucked up mental state is passing to a certain degree. Even though I have this secret, I feel that mentally everything is falling into place. My anger and resentment that I have carried around with me my entire life is less and I seem to be able to cope with this shit way better then ever. I am attributing this calming to my blog and other blogs I've been reading. It feels good to know that I am not the only fucker out there with these issues..I finally feel somewhat normal I think. I'm just different..

I'm crossing my fingers that this ability to cope lasts..I'm sure there will be a peak and then a downfall to some degree..like everything else in life. I still have a lot to work out. I have strong feeling for Ryan and Paul and that will not change or just go away. My attraction to men will always be part of me and it will eventually lead me to make a huge decision about my marriage. I think I am getting there. Like I have said before..I am not as afraid as I used to be. I can actually think the words I would say to my wife without feeling like I am going to break down into a fear induced cold sweat.

I don't think I will ever completely understand myself but I am enjoying the challenge of figuring it all out. I feel stronger loosing my "control". Confidence I never had before is coming to the surface..and I like this feeling. I am definitely becoming more myself.

More about Ryan

Ryan and I..despite me trying to keep him at a distance..have been getting closer. There is something about this kid that I can't stop thinking about. It's his personality I like..he is flirty and always has a witty remark. Not over the top..just low key funny. He makes me laugh. He reminds me how I was before life got it's hold on me. I am not by any means a grouchy prude..but my spontaneous fun isn't what it used to be. Too many demons I guess..

He is almost the exact opposite of Paul in many ways. Paul is more to the point and can be too serious at times..but not overly so. Paul knows how to have fun..just when it's appropriate.

Ryan on the other hand is more willing to let loose..he isn't a joker or annoying with his humor though..he is a clever funny. A lot of dead pan humor. Sometimes I can't believe some of the shit that come out of his mouth.

He definitely has my attention...but I hope I am not becoming overly attached to him. It doesn't help that I work with him and see him practically everyday. ..but who cares really..we get along great and I enjoy being around him. No crime in that.

In all reality I think he is helping to remind me how to just relax again. I'm too much in my fucking head and not enjoying life around me. I need to let that crazy guy out that I used to be. I'm going to let loose this weekend..maybe get into some trouble like the old days..haha.

My Other Passion

Besides music and sex..my other love is hot clothes and the people who wear them. I love clothing basically..maybe my gay side coming out..? Don't think so..I just love dressing well and like others who enjoy the same. It's my little pleasure in life to go out and search for fun things to wear..it's become an addiction.

Just thought I would share a little more of my personality..besides my deep dark sexual frustrations.....

Lunch with Paul

So I sent that email to Paul..and we met up yesterday to talk about things.

First of all..here is a little back story on Paul and I.

We met in 9th grade..one of those first day-first class-first person to sit next to sort of things. We became fast friends and were pretty much inseparable for years. We always just seemed to get each other..to the point were we knew what each other were thinking. He was the more serious type and I was the looking to have fun type..but it seemed to be a good match up. Anyway..we starting "experimenting" and our friendship went to a whole other level. It was a good time in my life..very fond memories of him and us. But..me being in denial..killed everything. He wanted to become serious..I just wanted to have fun and fool around with other people. Things started to deteriorate after that..and by the end of high school..we didn't speak much. Our last conversation turned into a fight and we said some hurtful things to each other. That ended the friendship completely at that point. He went off to college..I went off to let my life spiral into chaos.

I feel guilty and stupid for pushing him away and letting our relationship end the way it did. He is the big 'What If' in my life. What if I had been more aware of myself back then and decided to be with him. He tried..even wanted me to go off to college with him and everything..but I tuned him out..didn't want to admit that I had feelings for him. I missed him so much when he left but was to stubborn to try and contact him. Then I started my "dating" and so on from there..

It's one of those bullshit..love lost..stories right? I can't dwell on it though..need to push forward.

So..we met up yesterday and had a good long chat. He said he was looking forward to meeting up since we ran into each other. He was glad that I emailed him and cleared everything up. I explained to him where I was mentally back then and how much things have changed in my life..where I am at now and the recent shit going on. Told him about Ryan and my confusion and how I am dealing with it and trying to figure myself out..finally. He understood..he went through his own turmoil. He was in several relationships over the years..was married for a short period..but now he is exclusively dating guys..but not in a relationship currently. He is very focused and sure of himself now..I envy that. We still have that connection too..it's weird..it's like we were never apart. Damn it was awesome seeing him again.

..funny how you worry about something and then it ends up happening completely different from what you imagine. I didn't expect everything to go so smooth. I expected to not be able to control my feelings for him and end up sleeping with him or something. I am definitely getting my self control back..or is that confidence I'm feeling...??

Little bit of everything..

Hey guys..been busy at work the past few days.

Things have been calming down on the home front. My wife and I had a good talk the other night..no I didn't come out or anything..almost did but she was too upset. Didn't want to send her over the edge..you know. Anyway..we have been getting along like we used to and it's been nice to have her back.

This has thrown me into a state of contentment for the moment. I want to focus on getting myself completely centered again before I make any rash decisions about my future..I've done that too often leading me to the situation I am in currently..so best not to have history repeat.

It will happen..I know. That fear inside is getting lesser by the day. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I've found there are others like me..but I have been way more in control of myself again. I think the arguments with my wife and the guilt about Ryan had been fucking with my head. I have decided not to let myself dwell on shit and straiten the fuck up.

All I know is that the confusion about why I had these feelings for men are gone. I had a light bulb moment..an epiphany..whatever you want to call it.. Now I know I am just another guy who happens to like both men and women..it doesn't make me weird or a monster..it's normal to a degree. This has been the big eye opener. I always had felt weird and alone..not anymore.


Ryan and I have been good boys..no sex. I told him that I felt bad enough about keeping secrets from everyone all these years that I don't need to add cheating to the mix. He understands..but of course said with a big cheesy grin "I'm available for when you change your mind". Damn..he's an ass..but in a good way.

Paul called me yesterday and left a message. I haven't brought myself to call him back yet. I have an email written to him about my world and everything that has happened since I last saw him..but I can't seem to get myself to send it. I'm trying to figure out why that is. We have a lot of history..maybe I just don't want another emotional attachment out there.. We could never keep our hands off each other when were younger..and all those feelings seem to still be there after our little run in. At this point I can't risk another Ryan on my hands.

Ok..well that's it for now. I need to be getting back to my non-secret life.
Have a great weekend guys..be back Tuesday.

Random Topic

I still can't believe as a society we still live with the idea that being bisexual or gay is taboo..I think that any intellegent person can see that it is completly normal and everything isn't just black and white.

I even think we should abandon distinctions between the sexual preferences completly. It's ok to fall for or just be attracted to anyone regardless of gender. I guarantee the majority of the population has some attractions to their same sex to varying degrees..therefore it is not unnatural.

I guess it is gradually happening..but shit..let's get going.